No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

I ghosted the guy who took my virginity. That was 16 years ago.

It’s funny. I spent all of high school and college being anti-romance. I just wanted to have fun and no one could tie me down. If someone got attached or liked me too much, I would ghost them and run off with someone new before ghosting was even a thing.

I ghosted the guy who took my virginity. That was 16 years ago.

Yeah you would think being a young girl, losing your virginity before all your friends – kind of a big deal. I didn’t love… let’s call him Brian. I don’t even think I particularly liked him that much. I was 14 and he had a car. Sold.

I was young hanging out with guys that really shouldn’t have been hanging out with me. When they asked me and my friend about sex, and we told them we were virgins, they basically gasped like we were so behind in life. I would say that it was manipulation to get us in bed. They weren’t that bright but, regardless it worked on me anyway. 

It wasn’t special. I literally just wanted to get it over with so I didn’t have to worry about that lifetime milestone anymore. I think I tried it with him maybe three times. I liked the attention of it more than anything else.

Then I met someone else I liked, and I started seeing him instead. This was before cell phones were a thing (I know fucking ancient). Brian would call my house phone and leave messages with my family for me to give him a call back. If I was home I told my family to lie for me and say I wasn’t there or sleeping. What a luxury I took for granted back in the day. 

I was dodging Brian’s phone calls for a month. They were less frequent but he still tried. One day I was walking in the mall hand in hand with my new boo… and I hear a fake cough from behind me. “Oh.. hi Brian. How have you been?”

I’m sure that Brian assumed I would fall in love with him after he took my virginity. People get attached like that right? He couldn’t even get me to call him back, and I already moved on. I essentially used him.

The bad thing about losing your virginity that young, is that when guys know you lost it, they expect it. I vaguely remember my new boyfriend pouting to me… “but why him and you won’t with me..”. I didn’t like that. It wasn’t long before I ghosted him too. 

My whole life it was very difficult for me to develop real honest feelings for a guy. I always just did what I wanted with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. I’m not proud of it. I just didn’t get it.

In the past 16 years, I think the longest I was alone was maybe a couple of months. There were only a select few who broke down my wall and made me feel what love is, and I knew that I would never want to hurt them (even if I eventually did).

Now I’m thirty, and every guy I meet I fall madly in love with. It’s not even about the need to settle down or start a family. All the emotions I go through are that of a 16 year old with a huge crush. I’m one Lisa Frank notebook away from drawing hearts around our initials.

It’s exciting, confusing, and exhausting. I’m filled with so much hope and I’m not even sure why. I’ve never felt so alive.

Why am I so late in this love game?..

Maybe its an intuition of what will soon come. Either way, I’m excited for the future.

***Side note about Brian – he was a few years older than me. I’m assuming he started college a few years after finishing high school. The next time I saw him (after that day in the mall), was because he went to the same university as me, and he worked the front desk of the gym on campus. We never acknowledged we knew each other but, every time I walked by, he would get a huge grin on his face because he knew he took my virginity. I regret not calling him out for being a creep.