No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

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My quest for happiness did not go unpunished.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was take someone’s boyfriend, but, it happened. Sometimes two people fall in love by accident, at the worst times, in the worst ways.

Everybody is just doing what they can out there to be happy.

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished. Although he ended the relationship, she didn’t leave the apartment. She said she just needed some time to figure her stuff out (even though she literally just moved herself in). Meanwhile he has been sleeping on the couch, and getting more annoyed by the day.

I’m getting more annoyed by the minute.

I went to pick him up at his apartment, and it just kills me to see her stuff just there all settled in. Then I see something that immediately makes my chest hurt.

“Are you fucking kidding me?? Is she fucking pregnant??”

I picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins that was sitting on top of the dresser. He has no idea what it is and I tell him what they are.

I definitely fucked up his day.

I asked him to text to her but he said he wanted to talk to her in person. Fine. He spent the rest of the day playing “hypothetical” with me. He was upset because he was afraid he would lose me if she was pregnant.

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Also – lets back up. He told me he wasn’t able to have kids. He was with his ex for 4 years and they tried to pregnant. He got checked out, and was told by three different doctors that he couldn’t have kids.

So he confronts her and she says it’s true. Apparently this miracle child was created. It wasn’t impossible for for him to impregnate someone, but it was stressed that it was very extremely unlikely.

I wanted to believe she was full of shit. I mean – everything just seemed a little too convenient. He was basically sterile and she just got dumped. But… she has an appointment coming up, she invited him to go, and she is 8 weeks along.

It was conceived before he met me – so what am I supposed to do? He tells me that he hasn’t slept with her since he’s been with me… and even though everyone else thinks he’s lying, I really do believe him.

He told me that he’s going to be there for the kid, but he’s not gonna be a happy little family. He has zero interest in even trying to stay with her for the kid since he was never happy with her from day one.

Should I stay knowing that someone else is going to have his child? Knowing that being in his life I’m also going to be step mom?

Should I leave and tell him he should spend his time and energy being there for her?

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

My new boyfriend’s girlfriend is out of town.

I know karma will be waiting in an alley one day to jump out and give me a steel toed kick in the teeth. Or at least a good hair pulling from the poor girl whose life I’m secretly destroying. I deserve it.

I don’t need the hate. I don’t think anyone should be proud to be a side chick, and believe me, I’m not, and I never thought I would be this person.

So why am I doing it then?

I don’t think there is any other answer other than… I can be a real selfish asshole sometimes.

They have only been seeing each other for a month and a half, and they don’t have much of a sexual relationship. He was sick of dating and settled. Sounds familiar.

We both settled at the same time.

He tells me all the cookie-cutter things that guys that cheat in their girlfriends say to their side chick.

“I’ve never done this before.”

“I’m not this guy.”

“I’m going to break up with her – I just need some time.”

I do like him a lot. To be perfectly honest, he is everything I ever want in another human being (or maybe I have another sixteen year old crush with rose-colored glasses on).

I’m obviously going to proceed with extreme caution. He already said he wanted to get an apartment together – which is crazy but, maybe after you hit 30, you need to accept that “all in” attitude.

Like I said – I would do it again in heartbeat.

He also asked if we could get matching tattoos this morning. Maybe we should hold off on tattoos until he’s not linked on Facebook to a female that isn’t me.

Immorality aside…

Is it possible that we are perfect for each other… and we just missed our open availability time frame by such a short fraction?

Are we lucky to find each other this early on to make a choice to change course of direction before heading down the wrong road to the point of no (or at least more difficult) return?

How did I become such a savage?

I determined the reason I never wanted emotional attachment to someone was that I always thought there was something better out there.  I always kept my eyes open for the next best thing.  Even more distracting, I craved the attention.  It was like a drug to me.  Someone would have to be exceptional to convince me to give that attention up.

I wondered if that made me a monster… selfish… or brilliant.

Once I lost my virginity, I saw how much power sex gave me.  I thrived on the feeling of being the desire of others. I do not mean the act of sex… I mean the seduction of men (or mostly boys) to think about me in that way.  I was shy with an overactive mind – and I mastered the art of bedroom eyes before the 10th grade.  They knew.

Without any scientific evidence or any understanding, to me, I knew they could feel the energy I was giving out and they were not sure why, but it aroused them.  I knew I was not a 10.  I was cute, petite, and I did all right for myself – but my seduction was on point.  I was also down to earth and I think it was attractive to them that I had a strong grip of reality.  I was witty and quick with responses. It was very easy for me to say something basic with strong underlying X-rated content.  Without them even realizing, their minds would wander in the direction I wanted it to go in.

I could tell early on that mastering this art made me just as desirable, if not more so, than the perfect 10.  Not only did they want to sleep with me, but also they wanted to take me home to meet their parents and buy me a promise ring (for those my age at least).  Working at a grocery store, sometimes I would make it a game to myself to see if I could get my bagger for the night to fall in love with me.

One time I went on a date with twin brothers.  One of them I really had the date with, and his brother was a third wheel.  The third wheel wanted to be my date too. They found ways to get me alone, and I ended up making out with both of them.  In the backseat of the ride home from whatever parent was driving us, I somehow managed to hold both of their hands, without either of them knowing.

How did I become such a savage?

I did not stop at my age group though.  I also made sure to make the thoughts of my 39 year old manager who was scary to everyone else,  had the most impure and adulterous thoughts about me. The power and the challenge was addicting.  While everyone cowered in fear when he walked by… around me, he blushed and had difficulty controlling the grin on his face. Trust me – everyone noticed the special treatment, and I loved it.

To be clear, I did not actually want all of them – I just liked to see if I could have them.  I was alarmingly successful 90% of the time.  Again, I was never a 10.  I had many girls ask how I managed what I did, and I could never really explain – or maybe I just did not want to.

Even though this can be fun (and I still got it) – it is safe for me to say I am done with the game, and I just want someone to come home to every night, and to love me unconditionally.

 

I ghosted the guy who took my virginity. That was 16 years ago.

It’s funny. I spent all of high school and college being anti-romance. I just wanted to have fun and no one could tie me down. If someone got attached or liked me too much, I would ghost them and run off with someone new before ghosting was even a thing.

I ghosted the guy who took my virginity. That was 16 years ago.

Yeah you would think being a young girl, losing your virginity before all your friends – kind of a big deal. I didn’t love… let’s call him Brian. I don’t even think I particularly liked him that much. I was 14 and he had a car. Sold.

I was young hanging out with guys that really shouldn’t have been hanging out with me. When they asked me and my friend about sex, and we told them we were virgins, they basically gasped like we were so behind in life. I would say that it was manipulation to get us in bed. They weren’t that bright but, regardless it worked on me anyway. 

It wasn’t special. I literally just wanted to get it over with so I didn’t have to worry about that lifetime milestone anymore. I think I tried it with him maybe three times. I liked the attention of it more than anything else.

Then I met someone else I liked, and I started seeing him instead. This was before cell phones were a thing (I know fucking ancient). Brian would call my house phone and leave messages with my family for me to give him a call back. If I was home I told my family to lie for me and say I wasn’t there or sleeping. What a luxury I took for granted back in the day. 

I was dodging Brian’s phone calls for a month. They were less frequent but he still tried. One day I was walking in the mall hand in hand with my new boo… and I hear a fake cough from behind me. “Oh.. hi Brian. How have you been?”

I’m sure that Brian assumed I would fall in love with him after he took my virginity. People get attached like that right? He couldn’t even get me to call him back, and I already moved on. I essentially used him.

The bad thing about losing your virginity that young, is that when guys know you lost it, they expect it. I vaguely remember my new boyfriend pouting to me… “but why him and you won’t with me..”. I didn’t like that. It wasn’t long before I ghosted him too. 

My whole life it was very difficult for me to develop real honest feelings for a guy. I always just did what I wanted with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. I’m not proud of it. I just didn’t get it.

In the past 16 years, I think the longest I was alone was maybe a couple of months. There were only a select few who broke down my wall and made me feel what love is, and I knew that I would never want to hurt them (even if I eventually did).

Now I’m thirty, and every guy I meet I fall madly in love with. It’s not even about the need to settle down or start a family. All the emotions I go through are that of a 16 year old with a huge crush. I’m one Lisa Frank notebook away from drawing hearts around our initials.

It’s exciting, confusing, and exhausting. I’m filled with so much hope and I’m not even sure why. I’ve never felt so alive.

Why am I so late in this love game?..

Maybe its an intuition of what will soon come. Either way, I’m excited for the future.

***Side note about Brian – he was a few years older than me. I’m assuming he started college a few years after finishing high school. The next time I saw him (after that day in the mall), was because he went to the same university as me, and he worked the front desk of the gym on campus. We never acknowledged we knew each other but, every time I walked by, he would get a huge grin on his face because he knew he took my virginity. I regret not calling him out for being a creep.