I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about

Is it possible to love someone too much?

Or really… is the truth that the feelings we are feeling is a blurred line between possessive and obsessive?

While I lay in bed at this moment looking at this man beside me, I feel this fulfillment that he makes my life complete… even though I’m not entirely sure what that means. As wonderful as that all sounds, I’m not gonna sit here and lie to myself and everyone else on the internet.

Believe me this isn’t the feeling I have every night when I look at him. Every day is a little different.

Every petty argument we have I’ll fight to the death.

I’m not fighting or being combative to “win”. I’m not trying to make mountains out of a molehill. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of where our feelings come from.

If my feelings are hurt – I’m not backing down until they are validated, or an explanation warrants an apology from me.

I’m not above admitting I’m wrong… I just don’t see the point in hiding my emotions to avoid a dispute, or to give the impression that something “doesn’t bother me” so I can be that “cool girlfriend” he’s always wanted.

Eventually the truth comes out.

Those tiny things that kind of bother us can either (if you’re lucky) fade away… or (more likely than not) become worse and snowball into bigger issues that ultimately turn into relationship deal-breakers.

But why is it that today – do I feel like I’m so filled with love that my heart could explode?

I’m trying to connect a pattern that brings me to this state of joy. I’m trying to map out a future of happiness by learning from my failed relationships.

Not only do I want this to last forever, I want this to last happily forever.

I’m constantly in a struggle of blind love, and the harsh truth of the real world. There is so much lying, cheating, and perversion out there, you have to wonder – could I be a victim of betrayal?

I’ve heard horror stories from friends and I’ve experienced my own nightmare of finding out an ex-boyfriends perversions that can’t be unseen. I developed a habit of reading casual encounters on Craigslist for entertainment.

I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about – and realizing how naive those they love don’t know who their significant other really is. It’s unreal how many married men will post that they are free in the evening and would love a dick in their mouth.

That being said, if there’s one thing my thirty years alive has taught me, was that no one ever really knows anyone.

In my relationship there are no red flags and no reasons to worry – but I wonder how many people should be worried and are just unsuspecting. All I can do is trust that I’m not a victim of this kind of betrayal.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chest… will make you a fucking idiot.

Being with him feels right. I just feel like things are in place for the first time in a long time. As much as on the surface to everyone else… I am being played… and me not ending this weeks ago just makes me a fucking idiot.

I do not care who you are, or what you think you would do… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chestwill make you a fucking idiot.

Then it happened. His EX posted an ultrasound picture announcing the coming of their love child. I felt a panic attack set in as I tried to put all my emotions in the right place.

Let me make this clear – it was not the news of the baby. I knew this was coming and he has kept me informed from day one. My shock came from how early the announcement was posted.

Based on the due date, and the ultrasound picture (and my comparison of ultrasound pictures that I googled on the internet), she is around 6 weeks – maybe at most 8 weeks. I don’t know… maybe I don’t know anything, but, I’m pretty sure that shit shouldn’t have been broadcasted so soon.

The news and the picture aside, it was what she said that really twisted the knife. She made it seem like they were a happy little family.

“Now is as good of time as any to announce to those who don’t already know me and (insert my boyfriend’s name)… are expecting a child. We are so excited!”

I have been patient and trusting for a little while now. This was too much for me to handle.

I messaged him right away and I told him I was through doing this. He was either lying to me, lying to her, or she is fucking delusional. If what she was projecting online is true – the last thing I wanted to do was stand in the way of them being happy together if she is in fact having his kid.

Even though I had plans to see him the next day, and as much as I really wanted to see him, I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told him I could not allow him to hurt me anymore.

That night and the entire next day I felt this undeniable hole in my chest. I felt lost, confused, and just sad. I listened to sad emo songs and went through the motions of a breakup. Even though we were never technically together, it hurt just the same.

When I got to my house the next day, he was there in his car waiting. I got out of the car and he ran up to me, cupped my face in his hands and said,

“I am so in love with you.   I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes”.

He begged me to hold out just a little longer.  I told him I loved him too, and the feelings for him were very real… and that is why being in this limbo was so painful. I hate not being open about our relationship. As annoying and immature as it is, I want to declare it to the world on Facebook with pictures of the two of us together. I am so happy when I am around him and I want to show it off to the world.

His romantic gesture of declaring his love for me won my heart over – but the ice was still wearing thin.   He assures me again that he isn’t lying to me, or her, and that she is literally delusional.  As weak as I am in his presence, I am still strong enough to protect myself. If I didn’t think he was sincere in his words, I would have shut the door a long time ago.

By Sunday night she had moved out of his place.  He plans on me moving in as soon as possible.  I’m on board… I am just trying to figure out how to proceed with approval from my family, or doing it quietly enough that they will not find out for a while.

 

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was take someone’s boyfriend, but, it happened. Sometimes two people fall in love by accident, at the worst times, in the worst ways.

Everybody is just doing what they can out there to be happy.

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished. Although he ended the relationship, she didn’t leave the apartment. She said she just needed some time to figure her stuff out (even though she literally just moved herself in). Meanwhile he has been sleeping on the couch, and getting more annoyed by the day.

I’m getting more annoyed by the minute.

I went to pick him up at his apartment, and it just kills me to see her stuff just there all settled in. Then I see something that immediately makes my chest hurt.

“Are you fucking kidding me?? Is she fucking pregnant??”

I picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins that was sitting on top of the dresser. He has no idea what it is and I tell him what they are.

I definitely fucked up his day.

I asked him to text to her but he said he wanted to talk to her in person. Fine. He spent the rest of the day playing “hypothetical” with me. He was upset because he was afraid he would lose me if she was pregnant.

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Also – lets back up. He told me he wasn’t able to have kids. He was with his ex for 4 years and they tried to pregnant. He got checked out, and was told by three different doctors that he couldn’t have kids.

So he confronts her and she says it’s true. Apparently this miracle child was created. It wasn’t impossible for for him to impregnate someone, but it was stressed that it was very extremely unlikely.

I wanted to believe she was full of shit. I mean – everything just seemed a little too convenient. He was basically sterile and she just got dumped. But… she has an appointment coming up, she invited him to go, and she is 8 weeks along.

It was conceived before he met me – so what am I supposed to do? He tells me that he hasn’t slept with her since he’s been with me… and even though everyone else thinks he’s lying, I really do believe him.

He told me that he’s going to be there for the kid, but he’s not gonna be a happy little family. He has zero interest in even trying to stay with her for the kid since he was never happy with her from day one.

Should I stay knowing that someone else is going to have his child? Knowing that being in his life I’m also going to be step mom?

Should I leave and tell him he should spend his time and energy being there for her?

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There is no way he can respect me after that… right?

I’m going to be honest… I didn’t expect any relationship to develop with my new boo. When I decided to hang with him, I was open for him to be a friend – and someone to relate to regarding the nightmare I was going through from settling too quickly.

Ok – obviously, I was attracted to him and I didn’t rule out the possibility of hooking up…

I went to pick him up where he was working, which was located at this massive business park. It was a mixture of active businesses, abandoned office space, with a graveyard of disassembled cubicle walls and filing cabinets.  I wanted to go in because I love going in abandoned buildings. It fascinates me.

I get real jazzed up over that kind of stuff.

I honestly didn’t know him well at all, but I was really excited. We walked through the building until we were lost in the dark, with the faint light from the moon coming through the windows as our only light source.

I found a small empty office. I kissed him. He kissed me back. The whole thing escalated quickly. I was wearing a dress, which was convenient… but it was not long until I ripped that off too.  I just spontaneously banged this dude in this random building, completely naked, and I loved it.

At one point, he stood up and had me wrap my legs around him, and he proceeded to bounce me up and down with my back against the wall.  It reminded me of the sex scene with Eminem and Brittany Murphy in 8-Mile.  It was fantastic.

To say it was amazing would be an understatement.

Afterwards when we left the room and tried to find our way out, we actually saw someone coming down the other end of the hallway on some golf cart type of vehicle.  I am sure it was a lazy janitor on a motorized scooter, but regardless… we ran out of the building like there was a SWAT team coming after us.

It was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced. 

I could not get the smile off my face and I was a mess with emotions.  I am not an adventurous person, and I have been emotionally crippled by anxiety my entire life.  It was the most exciting (also the sluttiest) thing, I have ever done.

So what now?

I didn’t expect him to want to talk to me for anything more than sex after that.  There is no way he can respect me after that… right?  Not a classy moment for me.  However, I think he could tell that this was definitely a first for me since I could not compose myself. It was a first for him too… but he was a lot cooler about it.

The experience was so thrilling for both of us, we wanted to relish in the memory together.  We both admitted later that it was so unreal that it seemed like the whole thing was a dream.

The amazing sex aside… we have a lot in common, and come to find out, I like his company a lot.  My most slutty experience may have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.