I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about

Is it possible to love someone too much?

Or really… is the truth that the feelings we are feeling is a blurred line between possessive and obsessive?

While I lay in bed at this moment looking at this man beside me, I feel this fulfillment that he makes my life complete… even though I’m not entirely sure what that means. As wonderful as that all sounds, I’m not gonna sit here and lie to myself and everyone else on the internet.

Believe me this isn’t the feeling I have every night when I look at him. Every day is a little different.

Every petty argument we have I’ll fight to the death.

I’m not fighting or being combative to “win”. I’m not trying to make mountains out of a molehill. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of where our feelings come from.

If my feelings are hurt – I’m not backing down until they are validated, or an explanation warrants an apology from me.

I’m not above admitting I’m wrong… I just don’t see the point in hiding my emotions to avoid a dispute, or to give the impression that something “doesn’t bother me” so I can be that “cool girlfriend” he’s always wanted.

Eventually the truth comes out.

Those tiny things that kind of bother us can either (if you’re lucky) fade away… or (more likely than not) become worse and snowball into bigger issues that ultimately turn into relationship deal-breakers.

But why is it that today – do I feel like I’m so filled with love that my heart could explode?

I’m trying to connect a pattern that brings me to this state of joy. I’m trying to map out a future of happiness by learning from my failed relationships.

Not only do I want this to last forever, I want this to last happily forever.

I’m constantly in a struggle of blind love, and the harsh truth of the real world. There is so much lying, cheating, and perversion out there, you have to wonder – could I be a victim of betrayal?

I’ve heard horror stories from friends and I’ve experienced my own nightmare of finding out an ex-boyfriends perversions that can’t be unseen. I developed a habit of reading casual encounters on Craigslist for entertainment.

I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about – and realizing how naive those they love don’t know who their significant other really is. It’s unreal how many married men will post that they are free in the evening and would love a dick in their mouth.

That being said, if there’s one thing my thirty years alive has taught me, was that no one ever really knows anyone.

In my relationship there are no red flags and no reasons to worry – but I wonder how many people should be worried and are just unsuspecting. All I can do is trust that I’m not a victim of this kind of betrayal.

When something doesn’t make me happy – I change it. YOLO… am I right?

Since I turned 18 – I think I got a summons for Jury Duty every single year.  I’m just that lucky. 

Usually it plays out something like this –

  • I get excused from work for the day
  • I show up to a designated court-house
  • I sit around for 4 hours and watch a video on the importance and honor to serve this civil duty
  • A bailiff comes in the room and tells us that we are dismissed from Jury Duty and thanks us for our time

Not this time. This time – I was selected as Juror number 8 in a panel of jurors for a medical malpractice suit.  This wasn’t something that took up my afternoon – this was my life for two and a half weeks… and I loved every minute of it.

I understand why people hate the thought of Jury Duty.  It is a disruption of your life and can set you behind with work, force you to make different arrangements for child care, ….or just make a general inconvenience in your life.

It was like a real life TV show every day.  There were exhibits, witnesses, “expert” witnesses, objections, sidebars with the judge – the whole nine yards..  The best part of it was that I was out at 1:00 every day.

The only thing I didn’t like was that I couldn’t talk about the case until it was over.  Other than that – a part of me was hoping it would never end.  Getting out at one every day allowed me to be home around the same time as my boyfriend, and I loved being able to spend more time with him.  With my regular day-to-day job, I get out at work at 5:00, and now have an hour and a half to sometimes, two-hour commute home.  I get home around 7:00 – basically have dinner, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day.

My temporary life change gave me the opportunity to actually go out and get dinner with him at restaurants, go to the laundromat together, go grocery shopping, tackle some housekeeping… and we had sex every single day.

When the trial was over and I had to face my real life again – I was immediately miserable with the state of affairs.  Not only did it make me realize how much I hated my job, but it also allowed me to see how much I loved my boyfriend, and how happy I am with my life with him right now.

When something doesn’t make me  happy – I change it.  YOLO… am I right? This explains why I moved out of the apartment with my ex-boyfriend in 17 days. 

Time to brush up on my resume…

 

I literally haven’t had money to eat.

It always seems like I’m falling short in some area of my life. 

Now that my love category is at a 5 out of 5 stars… I have 0 out of 5 in the finance area.  Even though my family is still struggling to accept him as the final end game of my dating life, he has bailed me out the past few weeks and has been happy to do it.

Every time I get a boyfriend I basically give them all my money even though I can barely afford my own life.  The mistake I made in February to live with my stranger boyfriend set me so far back financially that it’s hard for me to stay positive.  Despite my signed promissory note, I haven’t seen a dime.

All the money I saved living rent-free at my sister’s house for six months was gone in an instant. 

Before that, I shut off all my credit cards in an effort to pay off all my debt.  I was in a good place to do it then, and I didn’t want to keep using them prolonging the cycle.  I’ve had no money in my checking account before, but I always had those credit cards to survive for gas and food.

I had to scurry for change to put gas in my car so I could make it home from work and I literally haven’t had money to eat. 

I tried to hide my struggles from those I love, including my boyfriend, because I’m just embarrassed about it. My sister is angry with me for throwing my money away when I got the apartment with my ex.  She knew it wasn’t going to last between us, and she tried to warn me… but I just didn’t want to listen.

After my account was overdrawn and checking account was negative $190 – it became harder for me to breathe. 

My boyfriend caught on to how bad off I was and jumped right up to help.  He filled my gas tank, gave me money for food, and wired some money in my checking account so my car insurance payment didn’t bounce.

Keep in mind, he’s not made of money either – but the past couple of weeks he was better off than me.  I hated taking from him and I hated feeling dependent on someone else.

“We’re a team – my money is your money and if I can help you in any way I will.”

It’s amazing that I’ve never actually had this treatment before.  I was always scratching their back and they were never reciprocating.

As I slowly crawl back to my end goal of financial freedom – I keep watching “The Secret” on repeat, listening to binaural beats and hypnosis, praying to the Gods I don’t really believe in, researching quantum physics, writing down my goals and drawing up my vision boards.

If I brought a love like this in my life, and if he keeps me this happy – it’s only a matter of time until everything falls into place.