I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.

It’s been fifteen days since I moved in.  Around this time in my last relationship I was sleeping on the couch and planning my escape.  I literally can’t wait to go home to him every day. 

OBVIOUSLY I’m aware I’m in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. 

Disagreements arise, opinions are argued, feelings get hurt.  Tensions will always emerge – whether it is over some petty issue that we create in our own heads, or… real issues that need to be talked through and resolved.  Majority of arguments come from expectations that we create that our partner doesn’t meet.

The best part of these expectations? We don’t tell them what they are… but are pretty infuriated when they don’t read our minds. 

I’m pretty open with my feelings because honestly.. I’m thirty.. and I don’t have time for bullshit. The only thing that we get in arguments about is his ex.  I understand that if that baby is his, she will always be a part of his life.

I accepted the situation, and the baby… I just don’t agree with how he’s handling things.  He’s SO concerned about all of his belongings because she has a key to  the apartment and needs to come and get her stuff.  I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.  His biggest fear is her coming in, getting a rush of adrenaline, and ripping his TV off the wall with her bare hands (which is wall mounted about 8 feet from the ground).

In my opinion, it isn’t fair for her to not know the full story.  His reasoning for breaking it off is missing something… and in her head, there is room to squeeze herself right back in his life.  Meanwhile, he’s going grocery shopping with me, planning trips to IKEA, and sending me text messages at work saying things like:

I’ve been a lot happier in my overall life since the day we met.  A lot less miserable and angry.  Knowing you’ll be the last person that I see/talk to before I fall asleep, and the first person that I see/talk to when I wake up in the morning makes me feel really good.  I’m really glad we met.  If you’d let me, I’d like to make you this happy every day, for the rest of your life.

Well despite his efforts of keeping me a secret from her world, she found out. This is just a chronological list of events that took place last night:

  1. A friend of my boyfriends came by after work to grab food with us for dinner
  2. She made a Facebook status about it, and tagged me and my boyfriend
  3. His ex saw the post, and proceeded to Facebook stalk me
  4. After lurking on my page (and my page isn’t private) – she sees that he posted on my wall saying something like “you’re hot” with some flirting back and forth
  5. My boyfriend gets a text message with a screenshot from my wall showing him that she saw what he wrote on my wall and says something like “Are you fucking kidding me?”
  6. She makes a public post on Facebook asking the world how she should handle the fact that the person she is madly in love with got her pregnant, broke up with her, and is sending messages to all these girls while he abandons her… leaving her to be a single mom
  7. There are about 30 comments from people basically calling him a piece of shit human being
  8. She comments on her own status asking if anyone had a truck so they can  help her grab all of her shit from his apartment
  9. My boyfriend and the ex fight back and forth through texting until he tells her he’s going to bed and he’ll see her on Saturday when she has arranged to pick up all her stuff
  10. His friend who made the Facebook status is going into a full-blown panic attack for all the drama that she caused.
  11. I tell her thank you because I was pretty sick of being kept a secret

Well that’s that.  I did want her to know about me and now that she does… I guess I got what I wanted. 

I know he’s pretty upset with the way that it went down, but I think he is relieved the cat is finally out of the bag (or at least I know I am).

… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chest… will make you a fucking idiot.

Being with him feels right. I just feel like things are in place for the first time in a long time. As much as on the surface to everyone else… I am being played… and me not ending this weeks ago just makes me a fucking idiot.

I do not care who you are, or what you think you would do… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chestwill make you a fucking idiot.

Then it happened. His EX posted an ultrasound picture announcing the coming of their love child. I felt a panic attack set in as I tried to put all my emotions in the right place.

Let me make this clear – it was not the news of the baby. I knew this was coming and he has kept me informed from day one. My shock came from how early the announcement was posted.

Based on the due date, and the ultrasound picture (and my comparison of ultrasound pictures that I googled on the internet), she is around 6 weeks – maybe at most 8 weeks. I don’t know… maybe I don’t know anything, but, I’m pretty sure that shit shouldn’t have been broadcasted so soon.

The news and the picture aside, it was what she said that really twisted the knife. She made it seem like they were a happy little family.

“Now is as good of time as any to announce to those who don’t already know me and (insert my boyfriend’s name)… are expecting a child. We are so excited!”

I have been patient and trusting for a little while now. This was too much for me to handle.

I messaged him right away and I told him I was through doing this. He was either lying to me, lying to her, or she is fucking delusional. If what she was projecting online is true – the last thing I wanted to do was stand in the way of them being happy together if she is in fact having his kid.

Even though I had plans to see him the next day, and as much as I really wanted to see him, I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told him I could not allow him to hurt me anymore.

That night and the entire next day I felt this undeniable hole in my chest. I felt lost, confused, and just sad. I listened to sad emo songs and went through the motions of a breakup. Even though we were never technically together, it hurt just the same.

When I got to my house the next day, he was there in his car waiting. I got out of the car and he ran up to me, cupped my face in his hands and said,

“I am so in love with you.   I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes”.

He begged me to hold out just a little longer.  I told him I loved him too, and the feelings for him were very real… and that is why being in this limbo was so painful. I hate not being open about our relationship. As annoying and immature as it is, I want to declare it to the world on Facebook with pictures of the two of us together. I am so happy when I am around him and I want to show it off to the world.

His romantic gesture of declaring his love for me won my heart over – but the ice was still wearing thin.   He assures me again that he isn’t lying to me, or her, and that she is literally delusional.  As weak as I am in his presence, I am still strong enough to protect myself. If I didn’t think he was sincere in his words, I would have shut the door a long time ago.

By Sunday night she had moved out of his place.  He plans on me moving in as soon as possible.  I’m on board… I am just trying to figure out how to proceed with approval from my family, or doing it quietly enough that they will not find out for a while.

 

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was take someone’s boyfriend, but, it happened. Sometimes two people fall in love by accident, at the worst times, in the worst ways.

Everybody is just doing what they can out there to be happy.

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished. Although he ended the relationship, she didn’t leave the apartment. She said she just needed some time to figure her stuff out (even though she literally just moved herself in). Meanwhile he has been sleeping on the couch, and getting more annoyed by the day.

I’m getting more annoyed by the minute.

I went to pick him up at his apartment, and it just kills me to see her stuff just there all settled in. Then I see something that immediately makes my chest hurt.

“Are you fucking kidding me?? Is she fucking pregnant??”

I picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins that was sitting on top of the dresser. He has no idea what it is and I tell him what they are.

I definitely fucked up his day.

I asked him to text to her but he said he wanted to talk to her in person. Fine. He spent the rest of the day playing “hypothetical” with me. He was upset because he was afraid he would lose me if she was pregnant.

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Also – lets back up. He told me he wasn’t able to have kids. He was with his ex for 4 years and they tried to pregnant. He got checked out, and was told by three different doctors that he couldn’t have kids.

So he confronts her and she says it’s true. Apparently this miracle child was created. It wasn’t impossible for for him to impregnate someone, but it was stressed that it was very extremely unlikely.

I wanted to believe she was full of shit. I mean – everything just seemed a little too convenient. He was basically sterile and she just got dumped. But… she has an appointment coming up, she invited him to go, and she is 8 weeks along.

It was conceived before he met me – so what am I supposed to do? He tells me that he hasn’t slept with her since he’s been with me… and even though everyone else thinks he’s lying, I really do believe him.

He told me that he’s going to be there for the kid, but he’s not gonna be a happy little family. He has zero interest in even trying to stay with her for the kid since he was never happy with her from day one.

Should I stay knowing that someone else is going to have his child? Knowing that being in his life I’m also going to be step mom?

Should I leave and tell him he should spend his time and energy being there for her?

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There is no way he can respect me after that… right?

I’m going to be honest… I didn’t expect any relationship to develop with my new boo. When I decided to hang with him, I was open for him to be a friend – and someone to relate to regarding the nightmare I was going through from settling too quickly.

Ok – obviously, I was attracted to him and I didn’t rule out the possibility of hooking up…

I went to pick him up where he was working, which was located at this massive business park. It was a mixture of active businesses, abandoned office space, with a graveyard of disassembled cubicle walls and filing cabinets.  I wanted to go in because I love going in abandoned buildings. It fascinates me.

I get real jazzed up over that kind of stuff.

I honestly didn’t know him well at all, but I was really excited. We walked through the building until we were lost in the dark, with the faint light from the moon coming through the windows as our only light source.

I found a small empty office. I kissed him. He kissed me back. The whole thing escalated quickly. I was wearing a dress, which was convenient… but it was not long until I ripped that off too.  I just spontaneously banged this dude in this random building, completely naked, and I loved it.

At one point, he stood up and had me wrap my legs around him, and he proceeded to bounce me up and down with my back against the wall.  It reminded me of the sex scene with Eminem and Brittany Murphy in 8-Mile.  It was fantastic.

To say it was amazing would be an understatement.

Afterwards when we left the room and tried to find our way out, we actually saw someone coming down the other end of the hallway on some golf cart type of vehicle.  I am sure it was a lazy janitor on a motorized scooter, but regardless… we ran out of the building like there was a SWAT team coming after us.

It was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced. 

I could not get the smile off my face and I was a mess with emotions.  I am not an adventurous person, and I have been emotionally crippled by anxiety my entire life.  It was the most exciting (also the sluttiest) thing, I have ever done.

So what now?

I didn’t expect him to want to talk to me for anything more than sex after that.  There is no way he can respect me after that… right?  Not a classy moment for me.  However, I think he could tell that this was definitely a first for me since I could not compose myself. It was a first for him too… but he was a lot cooler about it.

The experience was so thrilling for both of us, we wanted to relish in the memory together.  We both admitted later that it was so unreal that it seemed like the whole thing was a dream.

The amazing sex aside… we have a lot in common, and come to find out, I like his company a lot.  My most slutty experience may have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them.

After I was picking up the pieces of my life after ending my two-year relationship, I went to see a psychic with my mom.  I had a tarot reading done, and from the cards dealt, she giggled to herself and said – “What is going on? It looks like you are surrounded by men that love you.  It’s literally raining men for you.”

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them. 

She told me I had three loves left in my life.  There would be one for a couple months, and then there would be two very serious ones – and that I would love them both, and I would have to choose. Whomever I choose, I will spend the rest of my life with them.

I remember thinking – “well great.  I have to meet three more guys to be involved with?  I’m just tired and want to be done now. I definitely don’t want to choose one or the other – that sounds awful.”

Well before the short-lived nightmare move in situation, (I will call him Jared), I dated one guy for a few months… (I will call him Corey).  I figured he was the “love” that she mentioned would be around for a couple months.  Now that I am hanging on to every word she said – I figured “Great – now I just have to find the two that I need to choose from.”

Jared only last a few months too though…

Does that mean I still have to meet two MORE guys to choose from?

Was the fling with Corey not taken into consideration by the universe?

Well Corey was a fuckboy – and was never upfront with how he felt. He confused me, gave me mix signals, and I never knew what I was. It stressed me out and although I liked him a lot, I pushed him enough for him to end it. I was relieved. I didn’t have to sit around looking at my phone wondering when or if he would call or text. I didn’t leave my schedule open just in case he decided to be free, and asked me to hang out. Although I saw potential in us, and I did like him, I was happier to have control of my life back.

I believe that Corey really did like me, but he still wanted to be single. He gave me mixed signals because he could see us having a real relationship. In the meantime, he tried to string me along until he was ready.

I don’t fucking think so.

I knew what he was doing because I have done it before. I also knew that in this equation, I did NOT want to be the one getting lead on.

Some time has passed, and I think he grew out of his fuckboy stage, and he’s been sending me messages and hinting towards us trying the date thing again. Unfortunately, for him, once I close a door – it stays that way.

Now I’m debating taking him up on the free dinner – then just letting him know I’m not interested because I didn’t appreciate getting dicked around by a fuckboy. I feel like I owe it to the women of the world that never got a chance to tell off their fuckboy after they ghosted them two months into dating.

I just hope that if I choke on my food, I can successfully give myself the Heimlich Maneuver.

It’s easy to compare my life to everyone else my age. Everyone already made their “I’m officially a homeowner!” posts on Facebook or announced the coming of their second child in some cute, clever way.

Currently I’m a nomad just trying to figure out my next hot shower. I have family ready to catch my fall… and although my life may not be like everyone else’s, it doesn’t have to be… I’m in no position to complain.

As childish as it is, I still want to make them proud. I want to finally make enough right choices where they don’t have to worry about me so much.

Unfortunately it seems impossible to meet everyone’s standards.

My mom wants me to meet a nice rich guy that will take care of me. OK sure… point me in the direction of all the eligible bachelors with money just waiting in line to take care of me financially.

My sister is a bit more realistic. She just wants me to meet someone who at least has their shit together. Fair enough but… who am I to judge?

There just is not a lot out there to choose from. The phrase “there is plenty of fish in the sea” is so… much… bullshit.  The only people who actually believe that are the ones that are not on the front lines of dating misery. There may be many fish… but they are haggard, broke assholes who are afraid of commitment.  They may not be any of those things, but they are so boring and socially awkward, you have to wonder how many dead bodies are buried in the backyard or stuffed in their crawl spaces.

If the other half knew what it was like to be in our shoes, maybe they would understand how stealing someone’s boyfriend starts becoming an acceptable idea.

I know how ignorant it sounds, but, I’m a faithful side chick.  I don’t feel like I’m on the market.  However, I can only put up with that charade until it hurts too much to share (which wont be long).

If it doesn’t work out – I would rather be single than find a new boo by playing with Tinder or setting up a profile on POF. I would rather come home to six cats, watch Netflix, eat mac and cheese for dinner, and I just hope that if I choke on my food, I can successfully give myself the Heimlich Maneuver.