I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.

It’s been fifteen days since I moved in.  Around this time in my last relationship I was sleeping on the couch and planning my escape.  I literally can’t wait to go home to him every day. 

OBVIOUSLY I’m aware I’m in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. 

Disagreements arise, opinions are argued, feelings get hurt.  Tensions will always emerge – whether it is over some petty issue that we create in our own heads, or… real issues that need to be talked through and resolved.  Majority of arguments come from expectations that we create that our partner doesn’t meet.

The best part of these expectations? We don’t tell them what they are… but are pretty infuriated when they don’t read our minds. 

I’m pretty open with my feelings because honestly.. I’m thirty.. and I don’t have time for bullshit. The only thing that we get in arguments about is his ex.  I understand that if that baby is his, she will always be a part of his life.

I accepted the situation, and the baby… I just don’t agree with how he’s handling things.  He’s SO concerned about all of his belongings because she has a key to  the apartment and needs to come and get her stuff.  I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.  His biggest fear is her coming in, getting a rush of adrenaline, and ripping his TV off the wall with her bare hands (which is wall mounted about 8 feet from the ground).

In my opinion, it isn’t fair for her to not know the full story.  His reasoning for breaking it off is missing something… and in her head, there is room to squeeze herself right back in his life.  Meanwhile, he’s going grocery shopping with me, planning trips to IKEA, and sending me text messages at work saying things like:

I’ve been a lot happier in my overall life since the day we met.  A lot less miserable and angry.  Knowing you’ll be the last person that I see/talk to before I fall asleep, and the first person that I see/talk to when I wake up in the morning makes me feel really good.  I’m really glad we met.  If you’d let me, I’d like to make you this happy every day, for the rest of your life.

Well despite his efforts of keeping me a secret from her world, she found out. This is just a chronological list of events that took place last night:

  1. A friend of my boyfriends came by after work to grab food with us for dinner
  2. She made a Facebook status about it, and tagged me and my boyfriend
  3. His ex saw the post, and proceeded to Facebook stalk me
  4. After lurking on my page (and my page isn’t private) – she sees that he posted on my wall saying something like “you’re hot” with some flirting back and forth
  5. My boyfriend gets a text message with a screenshot from my wall showing him that she saw what he wrote on my wall and says something like “Are you fucking kidding me?”
  6. She makes a public post on Facebook asking the world how she should handle the fact that the person she is madly in love with got her pregnant, broke up with her, and is sending messages to all these girls while he abandons her… leaving her to be a single mom
  7. There are about 30 comments from people basically calling him a piece of shit human being
  8. She comments on her own status asking if anyone had a truck so they can  help her grab all of her shit from his apartment
  9. My boyfriend and the ex fight back and forth through texting until he tells her he’s going to bed and he’ll see her on Saturday when she has arranged to pick up all her stuff
  10. His friend who made the Facebook status is going into a full-blown panic attack for all the drama that she caused.
  11. I tell her thank you because I was pretty sick of being kept a secret

Well that’s that.  I did want her to know about me and now that she does… I guess I got what I wanted. 

I know he’s pretty upset with the way that it went down, but I think he is relieved the cat is finally out of the bag (or at least I know I am).

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them.

After I was picking up the pieces of my life after ending my two-year relationship, I went to see a psychic with my mom.  I had a tarot reading done, and from the cards dealt, she giggled to herself and said – “What is going on? It looks like you are surrounded by men that love you.  It’s literally raining men for you.”

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them. 

She told me I had three loves left in my life.  There would be one for a couple months, and then there would be two very serious ones – and that I would love them both, and I would have to choose. Whomever I choose, I will spend the rest of my life with them.

I remember thinking – “well great.  I have to meet three more guys to be involved with?  I’m just tired and want to be done now. I definitely don’t want to choose one or the other – that sounds awful.”

Well before the short-lived nightmare move in situation, (I will call him Jared), I dated one guy for a few months… (I will call him Corey).  I figured he was the “love” that she mentioned would be around for a couple months.  Now that I am hanging on to every word she said – I figured “Great – now I just have to find the two that I need to choose from.”

Jared only last a few months too though…

Does that mean I still have to meet two MORE guys to choose from?

Was the fling with Corey not taken into consideration by the universe?

Well Corey was a fuckboy – and was never upfront with how he felt. He confused me, gave me mix signals, and I never knew what I was. It stressed me out and although I liked him a lot, I pushed him enough for him to end it. I was relieved. I didn’t have to sit around looking at my phone wondering when or if he would call or text. I didn’t leave my schedule open just in case he decided to be free, and asked me to hang out. Although I saw potential in us, and I did like him, I was happier to have control of my life back.

I believe that Corey really did like me, but he still wanted to be single. He gave me mixed signals because he could see us having a real relationship. In the meantime, he tried to string me along until he was ready.

I don’t fucking think so.

I knew what he was doing because I have done it before. I also knew that in this equation, I did NOT want to be the one getting lead on.

Some time has passed, and I think he grew out of his fuckboy stage, and he’s been sending me messages and hinting towards us trying the date thing again. Unfortunately, for him, once I close a door – it stays that way.

Now I’m debating taking him up on the free dinner – then just letting him know I’m not interested because I didn’t appreciate getting dicked around by a fuckboy. I feel like I owe it to the women of the world that never got a chance to tell off their fuckboy after they ghosted them two months into dating.

I just hope that if I choke on my food, I can successfully give myself the Heimlich Maneuver.

It’s easy to compare my life to everyone else my age. Everyone already made their “I’m officially a homeowner!” posts on Facebook or announced the coming of their second child in some cute, clever way.

Currently I’m a nomad just trying to figure out my next hot shower. I have family ready to catch my fall… and although my life may not be like everyone else’s, it doesn’t have to be… I’m in no position to complain.

As childish as it is, I still want to make them proud. I want to finally make enough right choices where they don’t have to worry about me so much.

Unfortunately it seems impossible to meet everyone’s standards.

My mom wants me to meet a nice rich guy that will take care of me. OK sure… point me in the direction of all the eligible bachelors with money just waiting in line to take care of me financially.

My sister is a bit more realistic. She just wants me to meet someone who at least has their shit together. Fair enough but… who am I to judge?

There just is not a lot out there to choose from. The phrase “there is plenty of fish in the sea” is so… much… bullshit.  The only people who actually believe that are the ones that are not on the front lines of dating misery. There may be many fish… but they are haggard, broke assholes who are afraid of commitment.  They may not be any of those things, but they are so boring and socially awkward, you have to wonder how many dead bodies are buried in the backyard or stuffed in their crawl spaces.

If the other half knew what it was like to be in our shoes, maybe they would understand how stealing someone’s boyfriend starts becoming an acceptable idea.

I know how ignorant it sounds, but, I’m a faithful side chick.  I don’t feel like I’m on the market.  However, I can only put up with that charade until it hurts too much to share (which wont be long).

If it doesn’t work out – I would rather be single than find a new boo by playing with Tinder or setting up a profile on POF. I would rather come home to six cats, watch Netflix, eat mac and cheese for dinner, and I just hope that if I choke on my food, I can successfully give myself the Heimlich Maneuver.

I would do it again in heartbeat.

The uncomfortable ‘business transaction’ conversation with an ex about moving out our mutual residence…

Luckily, we weren’t there long enough to create lasting memories to cherish.

I agreed I was the one who needed to leave because I wouldn’t be able to afford the place on my own. He was sad but he knew at this point there was nothing he could do to change my mind. When I saw him accept the plan, I could tell that he’s been down this road a few times before… and started the checklist of things that needed to be done to make it official.

I packed my important items in my car, put my cat in the carrier, and sat looking at the walk-in closet with only 1/6 remaining filled with his stuff, and 1/6 filled with the random stuff that had to wait for the second trip (which consisted of numerous reusable shopping bags filled with miscellaneous, borderline hoarder status, junk I needed to sort through… and the remaining stuffed animals from my past).

I felt such a sharp pain of sadness at that moment. I wasn’t sad because my relationship was over… I was just sad from the harsh reality that it was another relationship that didn’t work out, and I was back to where I was… and broke again.

I can see know how much I tried to glamorize what was because I wanted it so much to be true. What I wanted more than anything was to be done searching for someone to spend the rest of my life with. Before the beginning of this disaster, I was finally ready to settle.

Now my family and my friends shake their head at me in a “well I hope you learned your lesson” way, and caution me to take my time with whatever next relationship I get into. I secretly admit to myself that although I’m the one who is dealing with this messy situation, I would do it again in heartbeat.

At the end of the day, I can sit here and regret the chances I took, or, regret not taking those chances. One path gives me an answer, and the other path will forever keep me questioning “what could have been?”…

Those “what could have been” questions linger in my subconscious, and they always seem to distract me from being 100% happy with the person I’m with. It’s exhausting, it’s sad, and it’s exciting for me all at the same time.

Overall, it makes me forever unfulfilled. I’m sick of it. 

What I want more than anything in the world is to erase all the “what if” thoughts of my past while I spend time with someone who keeps me happy in the present. I want to have a love that brings me no desire to formulate “what if” thoughts in my future.

I want to be with someone who makes me realize that all my past relationships shaped the person I am today, gave me the knowledge to know exactly what I was looking for, the confidence to accept nothing less – and most importantly prepare me for him,whoever he is, to show up unannounced at the worst time, to change my life forever.

Just a short lived nightmare

From the time that moving in with him became a possibility, to when it actually happened, I made sure to keep these facts private from social media.  He would tag me in Facebook posts announcing to the world things like “Moving in with the love of my life tomorrow! So excited!”.  I was so thankful that I had the ability to screen posts that I was tagged in, and made sure to keep it hidden. 

How was he so confident on this working? Why did I have such a doubt that I preplanned a clean escape?

For those that did give me warnings and rolled their eyes in my haste decision-making – I have to admit that I was embarrassed to tell them how right they were.  I mulled over the possibilities of keeping the break up a secret, but I don’t know how to hide the truth, and I also don’t believe in showcasing myself anything less than the truth of who I am.

I will always admit when I’m wrong.  In this situation, I didn’t want to label my decisions as “wrong”.  It didn’t work out – but, I’m glad I took the chance.   This was my short-lived nightmare, and to be completely honest, I’m proud of myself for putting myself out there and taking the risk.  I can sit here all day and think about what I should have done, but, without living with him how long would it have been before I saw those ugly sides of him?

I believe that a fairy tale romance could exist (or at least something very close to that).  If I blow off every possibility of a happily ever after because of my long list of ex boyfriends that didn’t work out, then I will end up alone, or at the very least unhappy with the person I settled for.

Every boyfriend of the past served a purpose to my life and I don’t regret any of them.  While I envy all my friends that are married and have their lives emotionally and financially stable, I know there is a percentage of them that envy my free spirit “I refuse to settle” attitude.   For now, I envision the day I have a low-key backyard wedding with all my family and friends present – and them knowing that this time I found exactly what I was looking for and that settling wasn’t the end result.