I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about

Is it possible to love someone too much?

Or really… is the truth that the feelings we are feeling is a blurred line between possessive and obsessive?

While I lay in bed at this moment looking at this man beside me, I feel this fulfillment that he makes my life complete… even though I’m not entirely sure what that means. As wonderful as that all sounds, I’m not gonna sit here and lie to myself and everyone else on the internet.

Believe me this isn’t the feeling I have every night when I look at him. Every day is a little different.

Every petty argument we have I’ll fight to the death.

I’m not fighting or being combative to “win”. I’m not trying to make mountains out of a molehill. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of where our feelings come from.

If my feelings are hurt – I’m not backing down until they are validated, or an explanation warrants an apology from me.

I’m not above admitting I’m wrong… I just don’t see the point in hiding my emotions to avoid a dispute, or to give the impression that something “doesn’t bother me” so I can be that “cool girlfriend” he’s always wanted.

Eventually the truth comes out.

Those tiny things that kind of bother us can either (if you’re lucky) fade away… or (more likely than not) become worse and snowball into bigger issues that ultimately turn into relationship deal-breakers.

But why is it that today – do I feel like I’m so filled with love that my heart could explode?

I’m trying to connect a pattern that brings me to this state of joy. I’m trying to map out a future of happiness by learning from my failed relationships.

Not only do I want this to last forever, I want this to last happily forever.

I’m constantly in a struggle of blind love, and the harsh truth of the real world. There is so much lying, cheating, and perversion out there, you have to wonder – could I be a victim of betrayal?

I’ve heard horror stories from friends and I’ve experienced my own nightmare of finding out an ex-boyfriends perversions that can’t be unseen. I developed a habit of reading casual encounters on Craigslist for entertainment.

I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about – and realizing how naive those they love don’t know who their significant other really is. It’s unreal how many married men will post that they are free in the evening and would love a dick in their mouth.

That being said, if there’s one thing my thirty years alive has taught me, was that no one ever really knows anyone.

In my relationship there are no red flags and no reasons to worry – but I wonder how many people should be worried and are just unsuspecting. All I can do is trust that I’m not a victim of this kind of betrayal.

When something doesn’t make me happy – I change it. YOLO… am I right?

Since I turned 18 – I think I got a summons for Jury Duty every single year.  I’m just that lucky. 

Usually it plays out something like this –

  • I get excused from work for the day
  • I show up to a designated court-house
  • I sit around for 4 hours and watch a video on the importance and honor to serve this civil duty
  • A bailiff comes in the room and tells us that we are dismissed from Jury Duty and thanks us for our time

Not this time. This time – I was selected as Juror number 8 in a panel of jurors for a medical malpractice suit.  This wasn’t something that took up my afternoon – this was my life for two and a half weeks… and I loved every minute of it.

I understand why people hate the thought of Jury Duty.  It is a disruption of your life and can set you behind with work, force you to make different arrangements for child care, ….or just make a general inconvenience in your life.

It was like a real life TV show every day.  There were exhibits, witnesses, “expert” witnesses, objections, sidebars with the judge – the whole nine yards..  The best part of it was that I was out at 1:00 every day.

The only thing I didn’t like was that I couldn’t talk about the case until it was over.  Other than that – a part of me was hoping it would never end.  Getting out at one every day allowed me to be home around the same time as my boyfriend, and I loved being able to spend more time with him.  With my regular day-to-day job, I get out at work at 5:00, and now have an hour and a half to sometimes, two-hour commute home.  I get home around 7:00 – basically have dinner, and go to bed to do it all over again the next day.

My temporary life change gave me the opportunity to actually go out and get dinner with him at restaurants, go to the laundromat together, go grocery shopping, tackle some housekeeping… and we had sex every single day.

When the trial was over and I had to face my real life again – I was immediately miserable with the state of affairs.  Not only did it make me realize how much I hated my job, but it also allowed me to see how much I loved my boyfriend, and how happy I am with my life with him right now.

When something doesn’t make me  happy – I change it.  YOLO… am I right? This explains why I moved out of the apartment with my ex-boyfriend in 17 days. 

Time to brush up on my resume…

 

I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.

It’s been fifteen days since I moved in.  Around this time in my last relationship I was sleeping on the couch and planning my escape.  I literally can’t wait to go home to him every day. 

OBVIOUSLY I’m aware I’m in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. 

Disagreements arise, opinions are argued, feelings get hurt.  Tensions will always emerge – whether it is over some petty issue that we create in our own heads, or… real issues that need to be talked through and resolved.  Majority of arguments come from expectations that we create that our partner doesn’t meet.

The best part of these expectations? We don’t tell them what they are… but are pretty infuriated when they don’t read our minds. 

I’m pretty open with my feelings because honestly.. I’m thirty.. and I don’t have time for bullshit. The only thing that we get in arguments about is his ex.  I understand that if that baby is his, she will always be a part of his life.

I accepted the situation, and the baby… I just don’t agree with how he’s handling things.  He’s SO concerned about all of his belongings because she has a key to  the apartment and needs to come and get her stuff.  I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.  His biggest fear is her coming in, getting a rush of adrenaline, and ripping his TV off the wall with her bare hands (which is wall mounted about 8 feet from the ground).

In my opinion, it isn’t fair for her to not know the full story.  His reasoning for breaking it off is missing something… and in her head, there is room to squeeze herself right back in his life.  Meanwhile, he’s going grocery shopping with me, planning trips to IKEA, and sending me text messages at work saying things like:

I’ve been a lot happier in my overall life since the day we met.  A lot less miserable and angry.  Knowing you’ll be the last person that I see/talk to before I fall asleep, and the first person that I see/talk to when I wake up in the morning makes me feel really good.  I’m really glad we met.  If you’d let me, I’d like to make you this happy every day, for the rest of your life.

Well despite his efforts of keeping me a secret from her world, she found out. This is just a chronological list of events that took place last night:

  1. A friend of my boyfriends came by after work to grab food with us for dinner
  2. She made a Facebook status about it, and tagged me and my boyfriend
  3. His ex saw the post, and proceeded to Facebook stalk me
  4. After lurking on my page (and my page isn’t private) – she sees that he posted on my wall saying something like “you’re hot” with some flirting back and forth
  5. My boyfriend gets a text message with a screenshot from my wall showing him that she saw what he wrote on my wall and says something like “Are you fucking kidding me?”
  6. She makes a public post on Facebook asking the world how she should handle the fact that the person she is madly in love with got her pregnant, broke up with her, and is sending messages to all these girls while he abandons her… leaving her to be a single mom
  7. There are about 30 comments from people basically calling him a piece of shit human being
  8. She comments on her own status asking if anyone had a truck so they can  help her grab all of her shit from his apartment
  9. My boyfriend and the ex fight back and forth through texting until he tells her he’s going to bed and he’ll see her on Saturday when she has arranged to pick up all her stuff
  10. His friend who made the Facebook status is going into a full-blown panic attack for all the drama that she caused.
  11. I tell her thank you because I was pretty sick of being kept a secret

Well that’s that.  I did want her to know about me and now that she does… I guess I got what I wanted. 

I know he’s pretty upset with the way that it went down, but I think he is relieved the cat is finally out of the bag (or at least I know I am).

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

If you weren’t such a condescending, alcoholic, asshole who managed to make my skin crawl in such a short time frame, I wouldn’t have had to move out two weeks in.

So living with a stranger… Round 2. I officially move in to my boyfriend’s place tomorrow. I’ve known him since the beginning of February of this year. Too soon…?

Yeah probably… but when you have credit card debt and rent is $1400 for a fucking studio in a shitty neighborhood kind of near where you need to live, you take what you can get.

It is crazy that it is only April, and this will be the 4th residence I’ve moved to this year. 2016 was rough… and I thought for sure 2017 would be better.

I didn’t give up hope just quite yet.

I know that I should have learned from my most recent mistake, but this time, it is a lot different. While previously, I got a place with a guy I barely knew, and wasted all my savings on first and last month of rent (for a place I resided in for about 2 weeks), this time I don’t need to worry about that big expense. I literally just move in and start pitching in a couple hundred bucks a month for rent and utilities. Easy.

Meanwhile, the low life that I was briefly enchanted with months ago, owes me a shit ton of money. I paid for him to have a place to live for two months, and paid for his cable for the time that he was there. His credit was so bad I had to put it in my name… and since he didn’t pay like he was supposed to, I had the liberty of footing the bill because I wasn’t going to let him fuck up my credit.

I know I have to take responsibility for the mistakes that I made in jumping into that relationship.  I also understand that it will be a god damn miracle if I see any of that money.  I probably wasted about 4 grand from being in that short romantic nightmare.

I do want to get some of that money back because he put me completely in the hole.  I asked him how much he thinks is fair to pay me back, and he said $1,800.  Fine. I’ll take it.

You better believe that I had him sign a promissory note stating that he agreed to pay me back the $1,800 in monthly installments of $450 a month, the first of the month, until the debt is paid off.

I had that shit notarized too.

Well – it’s the 5th of April.  He’s already a week late on his first payment (naturally).  When I complained to him that this is not OK – he tells me “well if this was so inconvenient for you then you shouldn’t have moved out in the first place“.

If you weren’t such a condescending, alcoholic, asshole who managed to make my skin crawl in such a short time frame, I wouldn’t have had to move out two weeks in.

He promises to give me my first payment this upcoming Friday.  If he ignores my texts and dodges my phone calls, I’m showing up to his mother’s house (where he lives now) and I’ll kindly ask to be let inside to wait for my payment.

Who knew that one person could make me one of those crazy girls that would show up to a family household demanding money.

… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chest… will make you a fucking idiot.

Being with him feels right. I just feel like things are in place for the first time in a long time. As much as on the surface to everyone else… I am being played… and me not ending this weeks ago just makes me a fucking idiot.

I do not care who you are, or what you think you would do… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chestwill make you a fucking idiot.

Then it happened. His EX posted an ultrasound picture announcing the coming of their love child. I felt a panic attack set in as I tried to put all my emotions in the right place.

Let me make this clear – it was not the news of the baby. I knew this was coming and he has kept me informed from day one. My shock came from how early the announcement was posted.

Based on the due date, and the ultrasound picture (and my comparison of ultrasound pictures that I googled on the internet), she is around 6 weeks – maybe at most 8 weeks. I don’t know… maybe I don’t know anything, but, I’m pretty sure that shit shouldn’t have been broadcasted so soon.

The news and the picture aside, it was what she said that really twisted the knife. She made it seem like they were a happy little family.

“Now is as good of time as any to announce to those who don’t already know me and (insert my boyfriend’s name)… are expecting a child. We are so excited!”

I have been patient and trusting for a little while now. This was too much for me to handle.

I messaged him right away and I told him I was through doing this. He was either lying to me, lying to her, or she is fucking delusional. If what she was projecting online is true – the last thing I wanted to do was stand in the way of them being happy together if she is in fact having his kid.

Even though I had plans to see him the next day, and as much as I really wanted to see him, I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told him I could not allow him to hurt me anymore.

That night and the entire next day I felt this undeniable hole in my chest. I felt lost, confused, and just sad. I listened to sad emo songs and went through the motions of a breakup. Even though we were never technically together, it hurt just the same.

When I got to my house the next day, he was there in his car waiting. I got out of the car and he ran up to me, cupped my face in his hands and said,

“I am so in love with you.   I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes”.

He begged me to hold out just a little longer.  I told him I loved him too, and the feelings for him were very real… and that is why being in this limbo was so painful. I hate not being open about our relationship. As annoying and immature as it is, I want to declare it to the world on Facebook with pictures of the two of us together. I am so happy when I am around him and I want to show it off to the world.

His romantic gesture of declaring his love for me won my heart over – but the ice was still wearing thin.   He assures me again that he isn’t lying to me, or her, and that she is literally delusional.  As weak as I am in his presence, I am still strong enough to protect myself. If I didn’t think he was sincere in his words, I would have shut the door a long time ago.

By Sunday night she had moved out of his place.  He plans on me moving in as soon as possible.  I’m on board… I am just trying to figure out how to proceed with approval from my family, or doing it quietly enough that they will not find out for a while.

 

Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

I’ve already established that I’ve experimented sexually starting at fourteen – but when I met my first love, my first real boyfriend at sixteen I fell hard and fast.

I realized that other than my first real boyfriend, every “I love you” level boyfriend was a matter of going through the motions… or arriving to relationship benchmarks of where I should be emotionally based on the amount of time that we’ve been together.

My first love, I’m sure many can relate…It took no effort at all. It was flawless… and I was hopelessly in love. Any free time that we had, all we wanted to do was spend it together.

A few things I remember about our time together:

  • He dropped out of high school but, he would pick me up everyday to drive me home, and would hang out with me until my parents made him leave.
  • Every Friday when he picked me up, he had flowers for me in the passenger seat.
  • We watched movies and cuddled.
  • Sometimes we would go to a restaurant just to split a dessert and leave a stupid big tip.
  • He was in a band and I would go to every practice and show and hold his sweatshirt while I watched on the side and sang along.
  • I would go with him to his friends houses to hang out even though I was always the only girl
  • He took me to concerts and shows to see all of my favorite bands
  • We had a lot of sex
  • We listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional
  • For Christmas we got our own tree that we kept in his room to decorate and put gifts under.
  • He pierced my nose in his bathroom
  • He taught me how to drive in his POS Ford Escort that didn’t even have power steering.
  • We would go to the mall for fun and have all our serious discussions sitting in the car in the parking lot of Macy’s.
  • We played video games but he was always so good at them it irritated me. I practiced Mortal Combat religiously when he wasn’t around… and when he came over to play he beat me immediately. I was so upset I kicked him out of the house.
  • We would just stare in each other’s eyes, and just have this stupid smile on our faces.
  • We were obnoxiously happy in love with each other.

I guess we could have lived happily every after… but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

So why would I end this perfection of a relationship?

I was really young and I no longer had my own friends. He was my life and I didn’t know what to do without him. I felt like the love I had with him was too real and all of a sudden I panicked and I didn’t feel ready for it.

The breakup wrecked him and it turned me into a fucking mess “bad girl” who hung out with all the worst influences I could find. I went downhill fast and I crushed him with every drunken night out.

Fast forward to now…

Every ex-boyfriend that I had, I loved to a degree but it was never at the level like my first. I had one boyfriend for four years and I lived with him for three. I can tell you that I absolutely did love him with all my heart, but it wasn’t flawless and wasn’t immediate. He really just grew on me over time.

I know I’ve only known this guy for a month, and he comes with baggage I will have to live with (but who doesn’t have baggage these days?).

The way my chest hurts when I look at him makes me feel hopeless, alive, and happy. Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen.