What the hell are my dreams?  Why did I set no expectations for the way my life was supposed to go?

When you are little you think about what your future will be like.  Aside from the unrealistic and unhealthy dreams of $300,000 weddings… a lot of little girls grow into adulthood with these timelines of how they want their life to go.  Out of all the women I’ve met in my lifetime around the same age as me, the general timeline goes a little something like this:

  • 21: Graduate college
  • 24: Get married
  • 25: Buy a house
  • 26: Have first child
  • 28: Have second (and also last) child

These timelines can really fuck up their sense of self when things aren’t going as their timeline had planned.  I know a lot of these girls were at 27 and still dating with no Prince Charming in sight.  This is when the panic starts to set in as they worry about their biological clock ticking.

I could never relate to these timelines.  For some reason – my timeline ended at “graduate college”.

Why did I never worry what came after that? I never thought of myself as being a career driven woman, and I also never thought of myself as being a married woman with two kids. I never pictured a wedding and I never pictured myself as a homeowner.

What the hell are my dreams?  Why did I set no expectations for the way my life was supposed to go?

I’ve said it in the past but to reiterate, the man I wake up to every morning is my end game of all my past hopeless attempts at true love.  I’ve also said in the past that this true love of mine, despite what his ex-girlfriend claims, is very unlikely to impregnate me based on what doctors have told him.  Having no expectations for future the idea of never having children didn’t crush my soul so we could live happily ever after.

Sometimes things change.

A few months ago I went to an urgent care clinic to get some medication for a UTI.  After doing the whole routine of uncomfortably peeing in a tiny cup – the doctor came in the room to ask me if I was aware I was pregnant.  The thoughts that went through my head went like this:

  • What?
  • I didn’t even miss my period yet…
  • I had unprotected sex with him for 8 months and I haven’t gotten pregnant despite coming from a family of extremely fertile women
  • He was told by three specialist he had a .001% chance of getting anyone pregnant
  • Shit
  • Am I excited?
  • Fuck
  • This means that bitch is probably pregnant with his kid
  • I wonder how he will take this news
  • …I need to get prenatal vitamins

I think we were both happy about the news – but in a somber way.  The idea of actually having a family was so exciting.  The downfall was the reality of the first child that would be due in a couple of months.  Up until now, every month that went by and I wasn’t pregnant, gave us such a great hope that his ex-girlfriend was full of shit.

Well as far as she is concerned, this entire pregnancy he has tried to stay in contact with her for updates.  In case that child is his, rightfully so, he wants to be a part of his life.  She has been a bitch to his inquiries, but responsive nonetheless.

Fast-forward to now, the baby is born.  She sent him a picture and told him he had red hair (just like my boyfriend), but refused to let him visit, and stopped responding to his inquiries.  Her entire family blocked him on Facebook, and the last thing she said to him was:

“You have absolutely no rights.  He is in no way yours and I am not obligated to share anything with you so please leave us alone.”

She also refuses a paternity test to be administrated. To say we are confused on our end would be an understatement.  To be continued?

I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about

Is it possible to love someone too much?

Or really… is the truth that the feelings we are feeling is a blurred line between possessive and obsessive?

While I lay in bed at this moment looking at this man beside me, I feel this fulfillment that he makes my life complete… even though I’m not entirely sure what that means. As wonderful as that all sounds, I’m not gonna sit here and lie to myself and everyone else on the internet.

Believe me this isn’t the feeling I have every night when I look at him. Every day is a little different.

Every petty argument we have I’ll fight to the death.

I’m not fighting or being combative to “win”. I’m not trying to make mountains out of a molehill. I’m just trying to get to the bottom of where our feelings come from.

If my feelings are hurt – I’m not backing down until they are validated, or an explanation warrants an apology from me.

I’m not above admitting I’m wrong… I just don’t see the point in hiding my emotions to avoid a dispute, or to give the impression that something “doesn’t bother me” so I can be that “cool girlfriend” he’s always wanted.

Eventually the truth comes out.

Those tiny things that kind of bother us can either (if you’re lucky) fade away… or (more likely than not) become worse and snowball into bigger issues that ultimately turn into relationship deal-breakers.

But why is it that today – do I feel like I’m so filled with love that my heart could explode?

I’m trying to connect a pattern that brings me to this state of joy. I’m trying to map out a future of happiness by learning from my failed relationships.

Not only do I want this to last forever, I want this to last happily forever.

I’m constantly in a struggle of blind love, and the harsh truth of the real world. There is so much lying, cheating, and perversion out there, you have to wonder – could I be a victim of betrayal?

I’ve heard horror stories from friends and I’ve experienced my own nightmare of finding out an ex-boyfriends perversions that can’t be unseen. I developed a habit of reading casual encounters on Craigslist for entertainment.

I have this sick obsession of getting in the minds of others to see what they secretly think about – and realizing how naive those they love don’t know who their significant other really is. It’s unreal how many married men will post that they are free in the evening and would love a dick in their mouth.

That being said, if there’s one thing my thirty years alive has taught me, was that no one ever really knows anyone.

In my relationship there are no red flags and no reasons to worry – but I wonder how many people should be worried and are just unsuspecting. All I can do is trust that I’m not a victim of this kind of betrayal.

I literally haven’t had money to eat.

It always seems like I’m falling short in some area of my life. 

Now that my love category is at a 5 out of 5 stars… I have 0 out of 5 in the finance area.  Even though my family is still struggling to accept him as the final end game of my dating life, he has bailed me out the past few weeks and has been happy to do it.

Every time I get a boyfriend I basically give them all my money even though I can barely afford my own life.  The mistake I made in February to live with my stranger boyfriend set me so far back financially that it’s hard for me to stay positive.  Despite my signed promissory note, I haven’t seen a dime.

All the money I saved living rent-free at my sister’s house for six months was gone in an instant. 

Before that, I shut off all my credit cards in an effort to pay off all my debt.  I was in a good place to do it then, and I didn’t want to keep using them prolonging the cycle.  I’ve had no money in my checking account before, but I always had those credit cards to survive for gas and food.

I had to scurry for change to put gas in my car so I could make it home from work and I literally haven’t had money to eat. 

I tried to hide my struggles from those I love, including my boyfriend, because I’m just embarrassed about it. My sister is angry with me for throwing my money away when I got the apartment with my ex.  She knew it wasn’t going to last between us, and she tried to warn me… but I just didn’t want to listen.

After my account was overdrawn and checking account was negative $190 – it became harder for me to breathe. 

My boyfriend caught on to how bad off I was and jumped right up to help.  He filled my gas tank, gave me money for food, and wired some money in my checking account so my car insurance payment didn’t bounce.

Keep in mind, he’s not made of money either – but the past couple of weeks he was better off than me.  I hated taking from him and I hated feeling dependent on someone else.

“We’re a team – my money is your money and if I can help you in any way I will.”

It’s amazing that I’ve never actually had this treatment before.  I was always scratching their back and they were never reciprocating.

As I slowly crawl back to my end goal of financial freedom – I keep watching “The Secret” on repeat, listening to binaural beats and hypnosis, praying to the Gods I don’t really believe in, researching quantum physics, writing down my goals and drawing up my vision boards.

If I brought a love like this in my life, and if he keeps me this happy – it’s only a matter of time until everything falls into place.