I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.

It’s been fifteen days since I moved in.  Around this time in my last relationship I was sleeping on the couch and planning my escape.  I literally can’t wait to go home to him every day. 

OBVIOUSLY I’m aware I’m in the honeymoon stage of a relationship. 

Disagreements arise, opinions are argued, feelings get hurt.  Tensions will always emerge – whether it is over some petty issue that we create in our own heads, or… real issues that need to be talked through and resolved.  Majority of arguments come from expectations that we create that our partner doesn’t meet.

The best part of these expectations? We don’t tell them what they are… but are pretty infuriated when they don’t read our minds. 

I’m pretty open with my feelings because honestly.. I’m thirty.. and I don’t have time for bullshit. The only thing that we get in arguments about is his ex.  I understand that if that baby is his, she will always be a part of his life.

I accepted the situation, and the baby… I just don’t agree with how he’s handling things.  He’s SO concerned about all of his belongings because she has a key to  the apartment and needs to come and get her stuff.  I guess angry exes can have that unpredictable kind of crazy that makes him so afraid.  His biggest fear is her coming in, getting a rush of adrenaline, and ripping his TV off the wall with her bare hands (which is wall mounted about 8 feet from the ground).

In my opinion, it isn’t fair for her to not know the full story.  His reasoning for breaking it off is missing something… and in her head, there is room to squeeze herself right back in his life.  Meanwhile, he’s going grocery shopping with me, planning trips to IKEA, and sending me text messages at work saying things like:

I’ve been a lot happier in my overall life since the day we met.  A lot less miserable and angry.  Knowing you’ll be the last person that I see/talk to before I fall asleep, and the first person that I see/talk to when I wake up in the morning makes me feel really good.  I’m really glad we met.  If you’d let me, I’d like to make you this happy every day, for the rest of your life.

Well despite his efforts of keeping me a secret from her world, she found out. This is just a chronological list of events that took place last night:

  1. A friend of my boyfriends came by after work to grab food with us for dinner
  2. She made a Facebook status about it, and tagged me and my boyfriend
  3. His ex saw the post, and proceeded to Facebook stalk me
  4. After lurking on my page (and my page isn’t private) – she sees that he posted on my wall saying something like “you’re hot” with some flirting back and forth
  5. My boyfriend gets a text message with a screenshot from my wall showing him that she saw what he wrote on my wall and says something like “Are you fucking kidding me?”
  6. She makes a public post on Facebook asking the world how she should handle the fact that the person she is madly in love with got her pregnant, broke up with her, and is sending messages to all these girls while he abandons her… leaving her to be a single mom
  7. There are about 30 comments from people basically calling him a piece of shit human being
  8. She comments on her own status asking if anyone had a truck so they can  help her grab all of her shit from his apartment
  9. My boyfriend and the ex fight back and forth through texting until he tells her he’s going to bed and he’ll see her on Saturday when she has arranged to pick up all her stuff
  10. His friend who made the Facebook status is going into a full-blown panic attack for all the drama that she caused.
  11. I tell her thank you because I was pretty sick of being kept a secret

Well that’s that.  I did want her to know about me and now that she does… I guess I got what I wanted. 

I know he’s pretty upset with the way that it went down, but I think he is relieved the cat is finally out of the bag (or at least I know I am).

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself. It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

Well – it’s been about five days since I moved in with my new stranger, but I couldn’t be happier.  I haven’t heard much about his baby on the way – but boy, do I have many reminders of the situation.

Most of his ex-girlfriend’s things are still at his place.  It looks like she just left a nice nest for herself for when the baby comes. Just to name a few:

  • 3 small bureaus in the bedroom
  • A 55″ TV
  • Clothes hanging in the bedroom closet
  • A kitchen cabinet
  • 3 Rubbermaid totes filled with clothes and random stuff
  • Sheets and blankets
  • Dishes/cups/wine glasses
  • Little small baskets in the bathroom with toiletries and things

She moved everything she owned in one SUV car load in one day… but she’s been there about 4 times to move stuff out.  I think in total she took one mirror, and two of those foldable fabric storage containers.  The last trip I think she walked out with a pillow.

I’m constantly playing devils advocate with the situation – but at the end of the day, regardless of my existence or not, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with her. I know the situation sucks for her and I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes – but she made the choices that put her there.

She tells him that he is just an asshole and she can’t believe he is making her do this on her own.  He has explained countless times that he will be there for the child if it is fact his, and has even offered to go to appointments.

Why is it that when someone doesn’t want to be with us, they are automatically an asshole? 

This is a worldwide problem that needs to be resolved.  Just because you didn’t cheat, steal, or lie to someone you are with, doesn’t mean that person needs to stay with you.  When I got dumped by someone I did EVERYTHING for, I felt the same way.  To me, he was the biggest asshole I have ever wasted my time on.  Thinking back I realized that he didn’t owe me anything and honestly – I understand why he dumped me.  Could I BE any more of a door mat? So unattractive.  I would have dumped me too.

My point is – you can be a great person, with a lot of amazing qualities… but the person that you want to be with doesn’t need to feel that way about you You just might not be for them, and you need to learn to move on.

If I didn’t make bad choices (like trusting ignorant men, getting in credit card debt, and gambling away the savings that I had)… I could be living in a pretty decent apartment on my own with my cat by my side.

I may not be 21, single, and pregnant living in my parent’s trailer, but – you’ve made your bed… now you have to lye in it.   We all need to take responsibility for our thoughts and actions that lead us to our current circumstances.

No one is responsible for your life other than yourself.  It’s a hard truth to accept – but a good way to look at your life, and decide to grow the fuck up.

If you weren’t such a condescending, alcoholic, asshole who managed to make my skin crawl in such a short time frame, I wouldn’t have had to move out two weeks in.

So living with a stranger… Round 2. I officially move in to my boyfriend’s place tomorrow. I’ve known him since the beginning of February of this year. Too soon…?

Yeah probably… but when you have credit card debt and rent is $1400 for a fucking studio in a shitty neighborhood kind of near where you need to live, you take what you can get.

It is crazy that it is only April, and this will be the 4th residence I’ve moved to this year. 2016 was rough… and I thought for sure 2017 would be better.

I didn’t give up hope just quite yet.

I know that I should have learned from my most recent mistake, but this time, it is a lot different. While previously, I got a place with a guy I barely knew, and wasted all my savings on first and last month of rent (for a place I resided in for about 2 weeks), this time I don’t need to worry about that big expense. I literally just move in and start pitching in a couple hundred bucks a month for rent and utilities. Easy.

Meanwhile, the low life that I was briefly enchanted with months ago, owes me a shit ton of money. I paid for him to have a place to live for two months, and paid for his cable for the time that he was there. His credit was so bad I had to put it in my name… and since he didn’t pay like he was supposed to, I had the liberty of footing the bill because I wasn’t going to let him fuck up my credit.

I know I have to take responsibility for the mistakes that I made in jumping into that relationship.  I also understand that it will be a god damn miracle if I see any of that money.  I probably wasted about 4 grand from being in that short romantic nightmare.

I do want to get some of that money back because he put me completely in the hole.  I asked him how much he thinks is fair to pay me back, and he said $1,800.  Fine. I’ll take it.

You better believe that I had him sign a promissory note stating that he agreed to pay me back the $1,800 in monthly installments of $450 a month, the first of the month, until the debt is paid off.

I had that shit notarized too.

Well – it’s the 5th of April.  He’s already a week late on his first payment (naturally).  When I complained to him that this is not OK – he tells me “well if this was so inconvenient for you then you shouldn’t have moved out in the first place“.

If you weren’t such a condescending, alcoholic, asshole who managed to make my skin crawl in such a short time frame, I wouldn’t have had to move out two weeks in.

He promises to give me my first payment this upcoming Friday.  If he ignores my texts and dodges my phone calls, I’m showing up to his mother’s house (where he lives now) and I’ll kindly ask to be let inside to wait for my payment.

Who knew that one person could make me one of those crazy girls that would show up to a family household demanding money.

Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

I’ve already established that I’ve experimented sexually starting at fourteen – but when I met my first love, my first real boyfriend at sixteen I fell hard and fast.

I realized that other than my first real boyfriend, every “I love you” level boyfriend was a matter of going through the motions… or arriving to relationship benchmarks of where I should be emotionally based on the amount of time that we’ve been together.

My first love, I’m sure many can relate…It took no effort at all. It was flawless… and I was hopelessly in love. Any free time that we had, all we wanted to do was spend it together.

A few things I remember about our time together:

  • He dropped out of high school but, he would pick me up everyday to drive me home, and would hang out with me until my parents made him leave.
  • Every Friday when he picked me up, he had flowers for me in the passenger seat.
  • We watched movies and cuddled.
  • Sometimes we would go to a restaurant just to split a dessert and leave a stupid big tip.
  • He was in a band and I would go to every practice and show and hold his sweatshirt while I watched on the side and sang along.
  • I would go with him to his friends houses to hang out even though I was always the only girl
  • He took me to concerts and shows to see all of my favorite bands
  • We had a lot of sex
  • We listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional
  • For Christmas we got our own tree that we kept in his room to decorate and put gifts under.
  • He pierced my nose in his bathroom
  • He taught me how to drive in his POS Ford Escort that didn’t even have power steering.
  • We would go to the mall for fun and have all our serious discussions sitting in the car in the parking lot of Macy’s.
  • We played video games but he was always so good at them it irritated me. I practiced Mortal Combat religiously when he wasn’t around… and when he came over to play he beat me immediately. I was so upset I kicked him out of the house.
  • We would just stare in each other’s eyes, and just have this stupid smile on our faces.
  • We were obnoxiously happy in love with each other.

I guess we could have lived happily every after… but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

So why would I end this perfection of a relationship?

I was really young and I no longer had my own friends. He was my life and I didn’t know what to do without him. I felt like the love I had with him was too real and all of a sudden I panicked and I didn’t feel ready for it.

The breakup wrecked him and it turned me into a fucking mess “bad girl” who hung out with all the worst influences I could find. I went downhill fast and I crushed him with every drunken night out.

Fast forward to now…

Every ex-boyfriend that I had, I loved to a degree but it was never at the level like my first. I had one boyfriend for four years and I lived with him for three. I can tell you that I absolutely did love him with all my heart, but it wasn’t flawless and wasn’t immediate. He really just grew on me over time.

I know I’ve only known this guy for a month, and he comes with baggage I will have to live with (but who doesn’t have baggage these days?).

The way my chest hurts when I look at him makes me feel hopeless, alive, and happy. Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was take someone’s boyfriend, but, it happened. Sometimes two people fall in love by accident, at the worst times, in the worst ways.

Everybody is just doing what they can out there to be happy.

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished. Although he ended the relationship, she didn’t leave the apartment. She said she just needed some time to figure her stuff out (even though she literally just moved herself in). Meanwhile he has been sleeping on the couch, and getting more annoyed by the day.

I’m getting more annoyed by the minute.

I went to pick him up at his apartment, and it just kills me to see her stuff just there all settled in. Then I see something that immediately makes my chest hurt.

“Are you fucking kidding me?? Is she fucking pregnant??”

I picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins that was sitting on top of the dresser. He has no idea what it is and I tell him what they are.

I definitely fucked up his day.

I asked him to text to her but he said he wanted to talk to her in person. Fine. He spent the rest of the day playing “hypothetical” with me. He was upset because he was afraid he would lose me if she was pregnant.

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Also – lets back up. He told me he wasn’t able to have kids. He was with his ex for 4 years and they tried to pregnant. He got checked out, and was told by three different doctors that he couldn’t have kids.

So he confronts her and she says it’s true. Apparently this miracle child was created. It wasn’t impossible for for him to impregnate someone, but it was stressed that it was very extremely unlikely.

I wanted to believe she was full of shit. I mean – everything just seemed a little too convenient. He was basically sterile and she just got dumped. But… she has an appointment coming up, she invited him to go, and she is 8 weeks along.

It was conceived before he met me – so what am I supposed to do? He tells me that he hasn’t slept with her since he’s been with me… and even though everyone else thinks he’s lying, I really do believe him.

He told me that he’s going to be there for the kid, but he’s not gonna be a happy little family. He has zero interest in even trying to stay with her for the kid since he was never happy with her from day one.

Should I stay knowing that someone else is going to have his child? Knowing that being in his life I’m also going to be step mom?

Should I leave and tell him he should spend his time and energy being there for her?

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them.

After I was picking up the pieces of my life after ending my two-year relationship, I went to see a psychic with my mom.  I had a tarot reading done, and from the cards dealt, she giggled to herself and said – “What is going on? It looks like you are surrounded by men that love you.  It’s literally raining men for you.”

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them. 

She told me I had three loves left in my life.  There would be one for a couple months, and then there would be two very serious ones – and that I would love them both, and I would have to choose. Whomever I choose, I will spend the rest of my life with them.

I remember thinking – “well great.  I have to meet three more guys to be involved with?  I’m just tired and want to be done now. I definitely don’t want to choose one or the other – that sounds awful.”

Well before the short-lived nightmare move in situation, (I will call him Jared), I dated one guy for a few months… (I will call him Corey).  I figured he was the “love” that she mentioned would be around for a couple months.  Now that I am hanging on to every word she said – I figured “Great – now I just have to find the two that I need to choose from.”

Jared only last a few months too though…

Does that mean I still have to meet two MORE guys to choose from?

Was the fling with Corey not taken into consideration by the universe?

Well Corey was a fuckboy – and was never upfront with how he felt. He confused me, gave me mix signals, and I never knew what I was. It stressed me out and although I liked him a lot, I pushed him enough for him to end it. I was relieved. I didn’t have to sit around looking at my phone wondering when or if he would call or text. I didn’t leave my schedule open just in case he decided to be free, and asked me to hang out. Although I saw potential in us, and I did like him, I was happier to have control of my life back.

I believe that Corey really did like me, but he still wanted to be single. He gave me mixed signals because he could see us having a real relationship. In the meantime, he tried to string me along until he was ready.

I don’t fucking think so.

I knew what he was doing because I have done it before. I also knew that in this equation, I did NOT want to be the one getting lead on.

Some time has passed, and I think he grew out of his fuckboy stage, and he’s been sending me messages and hinting towards us trying the date thing again. Unfortunately, for him, once I close a door – it stays that way.

Now I’m debating taking him up on the free dinner – then just letting him know I’m not interested because I didn’t appreciate getting dicked around by a fuckboy. I feel like I owe it to the women of the world that never got a chance to tell off their fuckboy after they ghosted them two months into dating.