I’ve already established that I’ve experimented sexually starting at fourteen – but when I met my first love, my first real boyfriend at sixteen – I fell hard and fast.
I realized that other than my first real boyfriend, every “I love you” level boyfriend was a matter of going through the motions… or arriving to relationship benchmarks of where I should be emotionally based on the amount of time that we’ve been together.
My first love, I’m sure many can relate…It took no effort at all. It was flawless… and I was hopelessly in love. Any free time that we had, all we wanted to do was spend it together.
A few things I remember about our time together:
- He dropped out of high school but, he would pick me up everyday to drive me home, and would hang out with me until my parents made him leave.
- Every Friday when he picked me up, he had flowers for me in the passenger seat.
- We watched movies and cuddled.
- Sometimes we would go to a restaurant just to split a dessert and leave a stupid big tip.
- He was in a band and I would go to every practice and show and hold his sweatshirt while I watched on the side and sang along.
- I would go with him to his friends houses to hang out even though I was always the only girl
- He took me to concerts and shows to see all of my favorite bands
- We had a lot of sex
- We listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional
- For Christmas we got our own tree that we kept in his room to decorate and put gifts under.
- He pierced my nose in his bathroom
- He taught me how to drive in his POS Ford Escort that didn’t even have power steering.
- We would go to the mall for fun and have all our serious discussions sitting in the car in the parking lot of Macy’s.
- We played video games but he was always so good at them it irritated me. I practiced Mortal Combat religiously when he wasn’t around… and when he came over to play he beat me immediately. I was so upset I kicked him out of the house.
- We would just stare in each other’s eyes, and just have this stupid smile on our faces.
- We were obnoxiously happy in love with each other.
I guess we could have lived happily every after… but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.
So why would I end this perfection of a relationship?
I was really young and I no longer had my own friends. He was my life and I didn’t know what to do without him. I felt like the love I had with him was too real and all of a sudden I panicked and I didn’t feel ready for it.
The breakup wrecked him and it turned me into a fucking mess “bad girl” who hung out with all the worst influences I could find. I went downhill fast and I crushed him with every drunken night out.
Fast forward to now…
Every ex-boyfriend that I had, I loved to a degree but it was never at the level like my first. I had one boyfriend for four years and I lived with him for three. I can tell you that I absolutely did love him with all my heart, but it wasn’t flawless and wasn’t immediate. He really just grew on me over time.
I know I’ve only known this guy for a month, and he comes with baggage I will have to live with (but who doesn’t have baggage these days?).
The way my chest hurts when I look at him makes me feel hopeless, alive, and happy. Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen.