Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

I’ve already established that I’ve experimented sexually starting at fourteen – but when I met my first love, my first real boyfriend at sixteen I fell hard and fast.

I realized that other than my first real boyfriend, every “I love you” level boyfriend was a matter of going through the motions… or arriving to relationship benchmarks of where I should be emotionally based on the amount of time that we’ve been together.

My first love, I’m sure many can relate…It took no effort at all. It was flawless… and I was hopelessly in love. Any free time that we had, all we wanted to do was spend it together.

A few things I remember about our time together:

  • He dropped out of high school but, he would pick me up everyday to drive me home, and would hang out with me until my parents made him leave.
  • Every Friday when he picked me up, he had flowers for me in the passenger seat.
  • We watched movies and cuddled.
  • Sometimes we would go to a restaurant just to split a dessert and leave a stupid big tip.
  • He was in a band and I would go to every practice and show and hold his sweatshirt while I watched on the side and sang along.
  • I would go with him to his friends houses to hang out even though I was always the only girl
  • He took me to concerts and shows to see all of my favorite bands
  • We had a lot of sex
  • We listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional
  • For Christmas we got our own tree that we kept in his room to decorate and put gifts under.
  • He pierced my nose in his bathroom
  • He taught me how to drive in his POS Ford Escort that didn’t even have power steering.
  • We would go to the mall for fun and have all our serious discussions sitting in the car in the parking lot of Macy’s.
  • We played video games but he was always so good at them it irritated me. I practiced Mortal Combat religiously when he wasn’t around… and when he came over to play he beat me immediately. I was so upset I kicked him out of the house.
  • We would just stare in each other’s eyes, and just have this stupid smile on our faces.
  • We were obnoxiously happy in love with each other.

I guess we could have lived happily every after… but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

So why would I end this perfection of a relationship?

I was really young and I no longer had my own friends. He was my life and I didn’t know what to do without him. I felt like the love I had with him was too real and all of a sudden I panicked and I didn’t feel ready for it.

The breakup wrecked him and it turned me into a fucking mess “bad girl” who hung out with all the worst influences I could find. I went downhill fast and I crushed him with every drunken night out.

Fast forward to now…

Every ex-boyfriend that I had, I loved to a degree but it was never at the level like my first. I had one boyfriend for four years and I lived with him for three. I can tell you that I absolutely did love him with all my heart, but it wasn’t flawless and wasn’t immediate. He really just grew on me over time.

I know I’ve only known this guy for a month, and he comes with baggage I will have to live with (but who doesn’t have baggage these days?).

The way my chest hurts when I look at him makes me feel hopeless, alive, and happy. Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

Author: livingwithastranger

I got an apartment with the person I was dating for less than a month because the cost of living was too high. I tolerated him for 17 days before moving out. A month later I got a new boyfriend and moved in with him - and hopefully...we live happily ever after.

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