I determined the reason I never wanted emotional attachment to someone was that I always thought there was something better out there. I always kept my eyes open for the next best thing. Even more distracting, I craved the attention. It was like a drug to me. Someone would have to be exceptional to convince me to give that attention up.
I wondered if that made me a monster… selfish… or brilliant.
Once I lost my virginity, I saw how much power sex gave me. I thrived on the feeling of being the desire of others. I do not mean the act of sex… I mean the seduction of men (or mostly boys) to think about me in that way. I was shy with an overactive mind – and I mastered the art of bedroom eyes before the 10th grade. They knew.
Without any scientific evidence or any understanding, to me, I knew they could feel the energy I was giving out and they were not sure why, but it aroused them. I knew I was not a 10. I was cute, petite, and I did all right for myself – but my seduction was on point. I was also down to earth and I think it was attractive to them that I had a strong grip of reality. I was witty and quick with responses. It was very easy for me to say something basic with strong underlying X-rated content. Without them even realizing, their minds would wander in the direction I wanted it to go in.
I could tell early on that mastering this art made me just as desirable, if not more so, than the perfect 10. Not only did they want to sleep with me, but also they wanted to take me home to meet their parents and buy me a promise ring (for those my age at least). Working at a grocery store, sometimes I would make it a game to myself to see if I could get my bagger for the night to fall in love with me.
One time I went on a date with twin brothers. One of them I really had the date with, and his brother was a third wheel. The third wheel wanted to be my date too. They found ways to get me alone, and I ended up making out with both of them. In the backseat of the ride home from whatever parent was driving us, I somehow managed to hold both of their hands, without either of them knowing.
How did I become such a savage?
I did not stop at my age group though. I also made sure to make the thoughts of my 39 year old manager who was scary to everyone else, had the most impure and adulterous thoughts about me. The power and the challenge was addicting. While everyone cowered in fear when he walked by… around me, he blushed and had difficulty controlling the grin on his face. Trust me – everyone noticed the special treatment, and I loved it.
To be clear, I did not actually want all of them – I just liked to see if I could have them. I was alarmingly successful 90% of the time. Again, I was never a 10. I had many girls ask how I managed what I did, and I could never really explain – or maybe I just did not want to.
Even though this can be fun (and I still got it) – it is safe for me to say I am done with the game, and I just want someone to come home to every night, and to love me unconditionally.