It’s funny. I spent all of high school and college being anti-romance. I just wanted to have fun and no one could tie me down. If someone got attached or liked me too much, I would ghost them and run off with someone new before ghosting was even a thing.
I ghosted the guy who took my virginity. That was 16 years ago.
Yeah you would think being a young girl, losing your virginity before all your friends – kind of a big deal. I didn’t love… let’s call him Brian. I don’t even think I particularly liked him that much. I was 14 and he had a car. Sold.
I was young hanging out with guys that really shouldn’t have been hanging out with me. When they asked me and my friend about sex, and we told them we were virgins, they basically gasped like we were so behind in life. I would say that it was manipulation to get us in bed. They weren’t that bright but, regardless it worked on me anyway.
It wasn’t special. I literally just wanted to get it over with so I didn’t have to worry about that lifetime milestone anymore. I think I tried it with him maybe three times. I liked the attention of it more than anything else.
Then I met someone else I liked, and I started seeing him instead. This was before cell phones were a thing (I know fucking ancient). Brian would call my house phone and leave messages with my family for me to give him a call back. If I was home I told my family to lie for me and say I wasn’t there or sleeping. What a luxury I took for granted back in the day.
I was dodging Brian’s phone calls for a month. They were less frequent but he still tried. One day I was walking in the mall hand in hand with my new boo… and I hear a fake cough from behind me. “Oh.. hi Brian. How have you been?”
I’m sure that Brian assumed I would fall in love with him after he took my virginity. People get attached like that right? He couldn’t even get me to call him back, and I already moved on. I essentially used him.
The bad thing about losing your virginity that young, is that when guys know you lost it, they expect it. I vaguely remember my new boyfriend pouting to me… “but why him and you won’t with me..”. I didn’t like that. It wasn’t long before I ghosted him too.
My whole life it was very difficult for me to develop real honest feelings for a guy. I always just did what I wanted with no regard for anyone else’s feelings. I’m not proud of it. I just didn’t get it.
In the past 16 years, I think the longest I was alone was maybe a couple of months. There were only a select few who broke down my wall and made me feel what love is, and I knew that I would never want to hurt them (even if I eventually did).
Now I’m thirty, and every guy I meet I fall madly in love with. It’s not even about the need to settle down or start a family. All the emotions I go through are that of a 16 year old with a huge crush. I’m one Lisa Frank notebook away from drawing hearts around our initials.
It’s exciting, confusing, and exhausting. I’m filled with so much hope and I’m not even sure why. I’ve never felt so alive.
Why am I so late in this love game?..
Maybe its an intuition of what will soon come. Either way, I’m excited for the future.
***Side note about Brian – he was a few years older than me. I’m assuming he started college a few years after finishing high school. The next time I saw him (after that day in the mall), was because he went to the same university as me, and he worked the front desk of the gym on campus. We never acknowledged we knew each other but, every time I walked by, he would get a huge grin on his face because he knew he took my virginity. I regret not calling him out for being a creep.