The uncomfortable ‘business transaction’ conversation with an ex about moving out our mutual residence…
Luckily, we weren’t there long enough to create lasting memories to cherish.
I agreed I was the one who needed to leave because I wouldn’t be able to afford the place on my own. He was sad but he knew at this point there was nothing he could do to change my mind. When I saw him accept the plan, I could tell that he’s been down this road a few times before… and started the checklist of things that needed to be done to make it official.
I packed my important items in my car, put my cat in the carrier, and sat looking at the walk-in closet with only 1/6 remaining filled with his stuff, and 1/6 filled with the random stuff that had to wait for the second trip (which consisted of numerous reusable shopping bags filled with miscellaneous, borderline hoarder status, junk I needed to sort through… and the remaining stuffed animals from my past).
I felt such a sharp pain of sadness at that moment. I wasn’t sad because my relationship was over… I was just sad from the harsh reality that it was another relationship that didn’t work out, and I was back to where I was… and broke again.
I can see know how much I tried to glamorize what was because I wanted it so much to be true. What I wanted more than anything was to be done searching for someone to spend the rest of my life with. Before the beginning of this disaster, I was finally ready to settle.
Now my family and my friends shake their head at me in a “well I hope you learned your lesson” way, and caution me to take my time with whatever next relationship I get into. I secretly admit to myself that although I’m the one who is dealing with this messy situation, I would do it again in heartbeat.
At the end of the day, I can sit here and regret the chances I took, or, regret not taking those chances. One path gives me an answer, and the other path will forever keep me questioning “what could have been?”…
Those “what could have been” questions linger in my subconscious, and they always seem to distract me from being 100% happy with the person I’m with. It’s exhausting, it’s sad, and it’s exciting for me all at the same time.
Overall, it makes me forever unfulfilled. I’m sick of it.
What I want more than anything in the world is to erase all the “what if” thoughts of my past while I spend time with someone who keeps me happy in the present. I want to have a love that brings me no desire to formulate “what if” thoughts in my future.
I want to be with someone who makes me realize that all my past relationships shaped the person I am today, gave me the knowledge to know exactly what I was looking for, the confidence to accept nothing less – and most importantly prepare me for him,whoever he is, to show up unannounced at the worst time, to change my life forever.