The next time I saw him I was combative and mean. I always have a fear of commitment, and wanted whoever I was with to be aware I had the free will to leave whenever I want. When someone likes me a lot, despite how I feel about them, I immediately feel an undeniable weight of pressure and expectation that I can’t handle. I fear that someone’s happiness is depending on me – so I naturally push them away immediately.
He calmly states “I know you’re trying to push me away. It’s not gonna happen”. I’ve never been called out on this before and all I could do was tell him he’s right because it was exactly what I was doing. I told him that I was sorry, and I’ll try to not run away, and we spent the night cuddling on the couch watching the remake of The Jungle Book.
Since our first date was a week before Christmas, I was lucky enough to accelerate our dating even faster by attending all of his Christmas events and meeting his entire family. He was excited to introduce me to everyone as I nervously drank champagne. When any of his family members had a conversation with me, I made sure to let them know that I barely know this guy, and I can’t believe I’m here. The more champagne I drank, the more frequently I stepped back and asked out loud “is this real life right now?”
Since they are Irish, I think they liked me more the drunker I got. A few of his family members took him outside to tell him that I was perfect for him, and to not fuck it up.
It’s a little less than comforting when the person you’re seeing is known for fucking shit up.