… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chest… will make you a fucking idiot.

Being with him feels right. I just feel like things are in place for the first time in a long time. As much as on the surface to everyone else… I am being played… and me not ending this weeks ago just makes me a fucking idiot.

I do not care who you are, or what you think you would do… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chestwill make you a fucking idiot.

Then it happened. His EX posted an ultrasound picture announcing the coming of their love child. I felt a panic attack set in as I tried to put all my emotions in the right place.

Let me make this clear – it was not the news of the baby. I knew this was coming and he has kept me informed from day one. My shock came from how early the announcement was posted.

Based on the due date, and the ultrasound picture (and my comparison of ultrasound pictures that I googled on the internet), she is around 6 weeks – maybe at most 8 weeks. I don’t know… maybe I don’t know anything, but, I’m pretty sure that shit shouldn’t have been broadcasted so soon.

The news and the picture aside, it was what she said that really twisted the knife. She made it seem like they were a happy little family.

“Now is as good of time as any to announce to those who don’t already know me and (insert my boyfriend’s name)… are expecting a child. We are so excited!”

I have been patient and trusting for a little while now. This was too much for me to handle.

I messaged him right away and I told him I was through doing this. He was either lying to me, lying to her, or she is fucking delusional. If what she was projecting online is true – the last thing I wanted to do was stand in the way of them being happy together if she is in fact having his kid.

Even though I had plans to see him the next day, and as much as I really wanted to see him, I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told him I could not allow him to hurt me anymore.

That night and the entire next day I felt this undeniable hole in my chest. I felt lost, confused, and just sad. I listened to sad emo songs and went through the motions of a breakup. Even though we were never technically together, it hurt just the same.

When I got to my house the next day, he was there in his car waiting. I got out of the car and he ran up to me, cupped my face in his hands and said,

“I am so in love with you.   I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes”.

He begged me to hold out just a little longer.  I told him I loved him too, and the feelings for him were very real… and that is why being in this limbo was so painful. I hate not being open about our relationship. As annoying and immature as it is, I want to declare it to the world on Facebook with pictures of the two of us together. I am so happy when I am around him and I want to show it off to the world.

His romantic gesture of declaring his love for me won my heart over – but the ice was still wearing thin.   He assures me again that he isn’t lying to me, or her, and that she is literally delusional.  As weak as I am in his presence, I am still strong enough to protect myself. If I didn’t think he was sincere in his words, I would have shut the door a long time ago.

By Sunday night she had moved out of his place.  He plans on me moving in as soon as possible.  I’m on board… I am just trying to figure out how to proceed with approval from my family, or doing it quietly enough that they will not find out for a while.

 

Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

I’ve already established that I’ve experimented sexually starting at fourteen – but when I met my first love, my first real boyfriend at sixteen I fell hard and fast.

I realized that other than my first real boyfriend, every “I love you” level boyfriend was a matter of going through the motions… or arriving to relationship benchmarks of where I should be emotionally based on the amount of time that we’ve been together.

My first love, I’m sure many can relate…It took no effort at all. It was flawless… and I was hopelessly in love. Any free time that we had, all we wanted to do was spend it together.

A few things I remember about our time together:

  • He dropped out of high school but, he would pick me up everyday to drive me home, and would hang out with me until my parents made him leave.
  • Every Friday when he picked me up, he had flowers for me in the passenger seat.
  • We watched movies and cuddled.
  • Sometimes we would go to a restaurant just to split a dessert and leave a stupid big tip.
  • He was in a band and I would go to every practice and show and hold his sweatshirt while I watched on the side and sang along.
  • I would go with him to his friends houses to hang out even though I was always the only girl
  • He took me to concerts and shows to see all of my favorite bands
  • We had a lot of sex
  • We listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional
  • For Christmas we got our own tree that we kept in his room to decorate and put gifts under.
  • He pierced my nose in his bathroom
  • He taught me how to drive in his POS Ford Escort that didn’t even have power steering.
  • We would go to the mall for fun and have all our serious discussions sitting in the car in the parking lot of Macy’s.
  • We played video games but he was always so good at them it irritated me. I practiced Mortal Combat religiously when he wasn’t around… and when he came over to play he beat me immediately. I was so upset I kicked him out of the house.
  • We would just stare in each other’s eyes, and just have this stupid smile on our faces.
  • We were obnoxiously happy in love with each other.

I guess we could have lived happily every after… but I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.

So why would I end this perfection of a relationship?

I was really young and I no longer had my own friends. He was my life and I didn’t know what to do without him. I felt like the love I had with him was too real and all of a sudden I panicked and I didn’t feel ready for it.

The breakup wrecked him and it turned me into a fucking mess “bad girl” who hung out with all the worst influences I could find. I went downhill fast and I crushed him with every drunken night out.

Fast forward to now…

Every ex-boyfriend that I had, I loved to a degree but it was never at the level like my first. I had one boyfriend for four years and I lived with him for three. I can tell you that I absolutely did love him with all my heart, but it wasn’t flawless and wasn’t immediate. He really just grew on me over time.

I know I’ve only known this guy for a month, and he comes with baggage I will have to live with (but who doesn’t have baggage these days?).

The way my chest hurts when I look at him makes me feel hopeless, alive, and happy. Despite the baggage, it is flawless…And I haven’t felt this way since I was sixteen. 

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was take someone’s boyfriend, but, it happened. Sometimes two people fall in love by accident, at the worst times, in the worst ways.

Everybody is just doing what they can out there to be happy.

My quest for happiness did not go unpunished. Although he ended the relationship, she didn’t leave the apartment. She said she just needed some time to figure her stuff out (even though she literally just moved herself in). Meanwhile he has been sleeping on the couch, and getting more annoyed by the day.

I’m getting more annoyed by the minute.

I went to pick him up at his apartment, and it just kills me to see her stuff just there all settled in. Then I see something that immediately makes my chest hurt.

“Are you fucking kidding me?? Is she fucking pregnant??”

I picked up a bottle of prenatal vitamins that was sitting on top of the dresser. He has no idea what it is and I tell him what they are.

I definitely fucked up his day.

I asked him to text to her but he said he wanted to talk to her in person. Fine. He spent the rest of the day playing “hypothetical” with me. He was upset because he was afraid he would lose me if she was pregnant.

IMG_7547

Also – lets back up. He told me he wasn’t able to have kids. He was with his ex for 4 years and they tried to pregnant. He got checked out, and was told by three different doctors that he couldn’t have kids.

So he confronts her and she says it’s true. Apparently this miracle child was created. It wasn’t impossible for for him to impregnate someone, but it was stressed that it was very extremely unlikely.

I wanted to believe she was full of shit. I mean – everything just seemed a little too convenient. He was basically sterile and she just got dumped. But… she has an appointment coming up, she invited him to go, and she is 8 weeks along.

It was conceived before he met me – so what am I supposed to do? He tells me that he hasn’t slept with her since he’s been with me… and even though everyone else thinks he’s lying, I really do believe him.

He told me that he’s going to be there for the kid, but he’s not gonna be a happy little family. He has zero interest in even trying to stay with her for the kid since he was never happy with her from day one.

Should I stay knowing that someone else is going to have his child? Knowing that being in his life I’m also going to be step mom?

Should I leave and tell him he should spend his time and energy being there for her?

Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There’s a million articles I can read on the internet about what I should be doing with my life. For every article with one viewpoint, I can guarantee I could find one saying the exact opposite from the first one I just read.

They are all so convincing… which one should I believe?

I’m the first one to admit I’m a huge sucker and I’m sold on any good sales pitch… even if I don’t believe what they are saying. I love anything As Seen on TV. I was one Amazon click away from buying a pressure washer one day even though I have zero use for it.

What do I do when the sales pitch I’m being sold on isn’t Hip Hop Abs or Booty Pop? What do I do when I’m being sold on actual life paths to take?

At what point did I start looking for advice from some millennial with a blog?

Today I decided to stop. Alright… I’ll still read them… but I’m going to mindful that whoever wrote it may not have any idea what the fuck they’re talking about… and just because they can write an article with numbered bullet points doesn’t make them an expert in the subject.

What did we do when the internet wasn’t around and an abundance of “advice” wasn’t at our fingertips?

Oh yeah… I think we actually lived our lives. We went to dinner, parties, movies, played board games, had long car rides, watched tv, took walks… and we did it without staring at our phones. We had actual arguments over facts instead of just asking google for the answer. We had to meet people in real life, and based on that encounter… you might be asked for your phone number or for a date.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that before all this… we worried about ourselves and our well-being. We made our own mistakes and we learned from them (or we just made them again… whatever).

I remember when it was cliché for a guy to roll his eyes about an argument his wife had based on a Cosmo article they read. Now they have to worry about a whole internet of opinions.

What’s up now guys? According to the internet, you literally can’t do anything right!

If you’re one of the rebels without an internet trail, you might as well be Norman Bates – and good luck to you convincing someone you’re not a weirdo with actual skeletons in your closet.

Read whatever you want (they’re still good articles after all). If you want any advice from me – I’d say live your life for you and make your own decisions based on what you want to do at that moment, and don’t label anything, or accidentally alter your feelings because of something you read on the internet.

Every situation is different, every person is different, and how you interpret everything that happens to you is what makes you who you are.

That being said, don’t take advice from me. I blew off my date tonight because I got sad about where I was at in life and just wanted to be alone. I wanted to reflect on how all the relationship choices I made ended with me here – freeloading off my grandmother, watching reruns of Roseanne (there’s not a lot of stations to choose from), and eating straight Nutella out of the container for dinner.

Life is still beautiful… even on your sad days. Sometimes it’s just nice to feel any emotion to remind you how lucky you are to be alive. 

There is no way he can respect me after that… right?

I’m going to be honest… I didn’t expect any relationship to develop with my new boo. When I decided to hang with him, I was open for him to be a friend – and someone to relate to regarding the nightmare I was going through from settling too quickly.

Ok – obviously, I was attracted to him and I didn’t rule out the possibility of hooking up…

I went to pick him up where he was working, which was located at this massive business park. It was a mixture of active businesses, abandoned office space, with a graveyard of disassembled cubicle walls and filing cabinets.  I wanted to go in because I love going in abandoned buildings. It fascinates me.

I get real jazzed up over that kind of stuff.

I honestly didn’t know him well at all, but I was really excited. We walked through the building until we were lost in the dark, with the faint light from the moon coming through the windows as our only light source.

I found a small empty office. I kissed him. He kissed me back. The whole thing escalated quickly. I was wearing a dress, which was convenient… but it was not long until I ripped that off too.  I just spontaneously banged this dude in this random building, completely naked, and I loved it.

At one point, he stood up and had me wrap my legs around him, and he proceeded to bounce me up and down with my back against the wall.  It reminded me of the sex scene with Eminem and Brittany Murphy in 8-Mile.  It was fantastic.

To say it was amazing would be an understatement.

Afterwards when we left the room and tried to find our way out, we actually saw someone coming down the other end of the hallway on some golf cart type of vehicle.  I am sure it was a lazy janitor on a motorized scooter, but regardless… we ran out of the building like there was a SWAT team coming after us.

It was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever experienced. 

I could not get the smile off my face and I was a mess with emotions.  I am not an adventurous person, and I have been emotionally crippled by anxiety my entire life.  It was the most exciting (also the sluttiest) thing, I have ever done.

So what now?

I didn’t expect him to want to talk to me for anything more than sex after that.  There is no way he can respect me after that… right?  Not a classy moment for me.  However, I think he could tell that this was definitely a first for me since I could not compose myself. It was a first for him too… but he was a lot cooler about it.

The experience was so thrilling for both of us, we wanted to relish in the memory together.  We both admitted later that it was so unreal that it seemed like the whole thing was a dream.

The amazing sex aside… we have a lot in common, and come to find out, I like his company a lot.  My most slutty experience may have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I might be a decade older, but I can still be sexy AF

In the time that the girlfriend was away, I grew extremely attached to the new man in my life. The idea of spending any time with him while she is in the picture is not an option at this point.

I also found out I am the oldest person he has ever been with… even though he is 2 years older than I am. I don’t know how to feel about this.

He said he didn’t go out of his way to be with younger girls (his current is 8 years younger than me), and the reality of the situation was that he wanted to be with someone his age, at the same stage in life and wanted to settle down.

I am so glad that with all the competition of the twenty somethings… I can still be first choice.

I was afraid of being thirty and having to compete with all the twenty somethings of the world, because it is very easy for men to date women a lot younger than them (also a Sex in the City episode that I never forgot).

Men in their thirties who want to settle down seemed to be happy to find out that I am close to their age.

  • Bar hopping and dancing on bars is a thing of the past
  • I have a full-time job and pay my own bills
  • All my friends are married with kids.. and more often than not, so are theirs
  • I remember when cell phones didn’t exist and pagers were a thing.. and “143” was a code that only boyfriends received
  • Renting movies happened by going to a Blockbuster – and they were tapes that you needed to rewind before returning to the store
  • I know what AOL is
  • Writing research papers using references from real books that you found at the library… using the Dewey Decimal System.
  • I lived life enough to know what it means to be a grown up (and a struggle is more than giving your parents money for your cell phone bill)
  • I know what I’m doing in bed
  • I might be a decade older, but I can still be sexy AF

I know he’s happy to be around me. When I see him he gets this honest smile on his face that makes me blush. I’m not doubting us, questioning it, or wondering if there is something better out there. At the moment, and hopefully for a long time (or possibility forever), I’m happy.

I just hope it doesn’t turn into another one of my failures.

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them.

After I was picking up the pieces of my life after ending my two-year relationship, I went to see a psychic with my mom.  I had a tarot reading done, and from the cards dealt, she giggled to herself and said – “What is going on? It looks like you are surrounded by men that love you.  It’s literally raining men for you.”

I don’t know where all these fucking men are – but it’s definitely not raining an abundance of them. 

She told me I had three loves left in my life.  There would be one for a couple months, and then there would be two very serious ones – and that I would love them both, and I would have to choose. Whomever I choose, I will spend the rest of my life with them.

I remember thinking – “well great.  I have to meet three more guys to be involved with?  I’m just tired and want to be done now. I definitely don’t want to choose one or the other – that sounds awful.”

Well before the short-lived nightmare move in situation, (I will call him Jared), I dated one guy for a few months… (I will call him Corey).  I figured he was the “love” that she mentioned would be around for a couple months.  Now that I am hanging on to every word she said – I figured “Great – now I just have to find the two that I need to choose from.”

Jared only last a few months too though…

Does that mean I still have to meet two MORE guys to choose from?

Was the fling with Corey not taken into consideration by the universe?

Well Corey was a fuckboy – and was never upfront with how he felt. He confused me, gave me mix signals, and I never knew what I was. It stressed me out and although I liked him a lot, I pushed him enough for him to end it. I was relieved. I didn’t have to sit around looking at my phone wondering when or if he would call or text. I didn’t leave my schedule open just in case he decided to be free, and asked me to hang out. Although I saw potential in us, and I did like him, I was happier to have control of my life back.

I believe that Corey really did like me, but he still wanted to be single. He gave me mixed signals because he could see us having a real relationship. In the meantime, he tried to string me along until he was ready.

I don’t fucking think so.

I knew what he was doing because I have done it before. I also knew that in this equation, I did NOT want to be the one getting lead on.

Some time has passed, and I think he grew out of his fuckboy stage, and he’s been sending me messages and hinting towards us trying the date thing again. Unfortunately, for him, once I close a door – it stays that way.

Now I’m debating taking him up on the free dinner – then just letting him know I’m not interested because I didn’t appreciate getting dicked around by a fuckboy. I feel like I owe it to the women of the world that never got a chance to tell off their fuckboy after they ghosted them two months into dating.