Being with him feels right. I just feel like things are in place for the first time in a long time. As much as on the surface to everyone else… I am being played… and me not ending this weeks ago just makes me a fucking idiot.
I do not care who you are, or what you think you would do… those “butterflies” in your stomach and that heavy, ecstasy… euphoric feeling in your chest… will make you a fucking idiot.
Then it happened. His EX posted an ultrasound picture announcing the coming of their love child. I felt a panic attack set in as I tried to put all my emotions in the right place.
Let me make this clear – it was not the news of the baby. I knew this was coming and he has kept me informed from day one. My shock came from how early the announcement was posted.
Based on the due date, and the ultrasound picture (and my comparison of ultrasound pictures that I googled on the internet), she is around 6 weeks – maybe at most 8 weeks. I don’t know… maybe I don’t know anything, but, I’m pretty sure that shit shouldn’t have been broadcasted so soon.
The news and the picture aside, it was what she said that really twisted the knife. She made it seem like they were a happy little family.
“Now is as good of time as any to announce to those who don’t already know me and (insert my boyfriend’s name)… are expecting a child. We are so excited!”
I have been patient and trusting for a little while now. This was too much for me to handle.
I messaged him right away and I told him I was through doing this. He was either lying to me, lying to her, or she is fucking delusional. If what she was projecting online is true – the last thing I wanted to do was stand in the way of them being happy together if she is in fact having his kid.
Even though I had plans to see him the next day, and as much as I really wanted to see him, I couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I told him I could not allow him to hurt me anymore.
That night and the entire next day I felt this undeniable hole in my chest. I felt lost, confused, and just sad. I listened to sad emo songs and went through the motions of a breakup. Even though we were never technically together, it hurt just the same.
When I got to my house the next day, he was there in his car waiting. I got out of the car and he ran up to me, cupped my face in his hands and said,
“I am so in love with you. I don’t want to lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes”.
He begged me to hold out just a little longer. I told him I loved him too, and the feelings for him were very real… and that is why being in this limbo was so painful. I hate not being open about our relationship. As annoying and immature as it is, I want to declare it to the world on Facebook with pictures of the two of us together. I am so happy when I am around him and I want to show it off to the world.
His romantic gesture of declaring his love for me won my heart over – but the ice was still wearing thin. He assures me again that he isn’t lying to me, or her, and that she is literally delusional. As weak as I am in his presence, I am still strong enough to protect myself. If I didn’t think he was sincere in his words, I would have shut the door a long time ago.
By Sunday night she had moved out of his place. He plans on me moving in as soon as possible. I’m on board… I am just trying to figure out how to proceed with approval from my family, or doing it quietly enough that they will not find out for a while.